Monday, March 20, 2017

Days 19 & 20 - Two For One

Yesterday was an odd day schedule wise. I usually work my day job from noon until eight at night but another dealer needed to switch shifts and I found myself punching in at the unbelievably early time of eight in the morning. I was supposed to stay until four in the afternoon however I requested to leave early if we had extra dealers and as of one in the afternoon we did. It was a good, albeit early, start to the day. I left work feeling ready to take on the rest of the day and be productive.

When I got home I ran some errands with my boyfriend to go look at RVs, something we have been shopping for over the past few years and are getting close to finally purchasing. After that we were off to the store and then some yard work before I left to meet up with my co-author for the book on dealing and casino life. So far so good on the productivity.

My co-author and I discussed a few ideas over dinner then ventured downtown to walk around and people watch as we looked for inspiration. We did find a few ideas though not as many as we had initially hoped for the nearly three hours we spent there. All in all still a good day. It wasn't until this morning that I realized I had failed for the first time since starting my forty day challenge I had managed to forget to post here on my blog.

I was still mildly distracted from the frustrating feelings of depression that started plaguing me Saturday morning but I also seemed to just find things to keep my mind so busy I never even thought about it. Because of that I am covering the events of yesterday that pulled my focus as well as some thoughts for today. With the issues from the depression and the distractions of yesterday I can't help but think today that bouncing back is a great path to follow mentally.

There are so many sayings in life that have to do with recovery. "I isn't how hard you fall, it is how you pick yourself back up." "If you fall off, you have to get right back up on the horse." I could go on. The most important part of any saying for me though isn't about the recovery process, it is the acknowledgement that you are going to stumble. Setbacks are a part of life. I fight the voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough everyday. I cry more often than I care to admit and I battle with my desperate urge to eat my feelings even when I am struggling to lose weight. No matter how much I try, I fall down often.

I recently posted a meme on Facebook I saw that captures how I feel exactly. It says "I am strong, but I am tired." There isn't much more to say. People see the face you show them but under the surface can be so much more. I am recovering from that emotional setback. I am organizing my projects and goals to give me the ability to cross things off the to do list, something proven in my past to help bring me back to my happy place. For me the road doesn't just have twists and turns but potholes, rockslides and flash floods. I get past them but everything takes its toll. I am moving forward, all I ask is patience while I get there.

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