Book Spotlight - Survivor

 When I first began writing my book about PTSD, it was more of a private project. I was irritated about a documentary I had watched that basically said if you never served in the military, you couldn't have PTSD. As someone who has never served but was diagnosed when I was twenty two years old, I disagreed whole heartedly. I was shocked and felt completely invisible to those who believe only soldiers and veterans are capable of suffering this particular issue. While I agree they are the largest and best know group to deal with the disorder, they are definitely not the only ones.

I started writing a book within days of finishing the documentary. I thought it was a stand along story but it would turn out to be the fifth book in a series that would take every ounce of strength I had to write. While I was in the process of writing that book, a friend decided she wanted to share her story of surviving domestic violence. She and I had bonded earlier over our shared experiences and she encouraged me to tell my truth as well. I told her I was already basing a character on myself in the current story but she said I should give that character more of a voice and tell the entire tale. It took some convincing but I ultimately agreed to do it.

It took months for me to get through it. I thought I had dealt with the issues, the trauma, but it turned out I had only buried it all. While writing Survivor I was forced to face everything, relive the entire situation all over again. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I worked with a therapist, was put on strong anti-anxiety medications, and required to take breaks from writing because it was so overwhelming. I cried as I wrote and felt the pain in the character, and my heart, all over again. Memories surfaced I had blocked and I suffered a number of panic attacks that threatened to derail any progress I was making. I thought about walking away from the project every single day. But looking back, I'm glad I saw it through.

When I finished the book I sent it to my editor without doing anything further on the manuscript. I was honest, it was in rough shape. I didn't have it in me to go through the pages again. My heart ached just trying to get myself back to some semblance of normal. When the edits were done I worked with my cover artist at the time and got the book ready for publish. Everything was an ordeal because I was teetering on the verge of a breakdown the entire time. I didn't sleep, I barely ate, my mind was scattered, but I pressed on. I launched the book and broke down during a reading but everyone there understood and showed nothing but love and support. I am honored to have been able to help a worthy organization when I launched and am looking forward to doing the same once again with my ride.

If you would like to learn more about Survivor, please check it out on Amazon at the link below.

https://tinyurl.com/2p68jezv

Charity Spotlight - NCADV

 Since I shared my book Survivor on Tuesday I thought it would only be right to discuss the charity connected to it as my first spotlight. Survivor is a based on true story fight back against domestic violence. The book focused on a fictionalized version of what happened to me when I was a teenager. For a number of reasons it is only based on what happened instead of being an actual memoir but I wanted to share my experiences to help show people like me they are not alone.

When I launched the book I did it as a fundraiser for a local shelter. What touched my heart about them was that they took in the women and children but also family pets. There are so many people that stay in bad situations because they worry about what will happen to the animals and most shelters aren't equipped to take pets as well as people. When preparing to do my ride I wanted to do national organizations that help an even wider group of people. So for the ride I chose to pair Survivor with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

Established on September 22, 1978, the National Coalition's mission is to lead, mobilize and raise their voices to support efforts that demand change of conditions that lead to domestic violence such as patriarchy, privilege, racism, sexism, and classism. They are dedicated to supporting survivors and holding offenders accountable and supporting advocates. On their website they share statistics such as over ten million people per year are abused by intimate partners, or that twenty thousand calls per day are made to domestic abuse hotlines. They offer resources for survivors as well as current victims and offer a safe exit for those who need to hide their research from abusers. 

They also offer resources for employment, financial education, and creating a safety plan. There are ways to volunteer and donate of course, which is the part I will be focusing on in just under six months. There are also a number of informational tools located on their website, as well as a list of other organizations they partner with and events they hold. I would invite you to check out their site and see if something resonates with you.

www.ncadv.org

 

Monday Motivation

A conversation yesterday got me thinking about how people find the motivation to complete projects. What is it that drives us? Do you plan ahead, layout all the steps, then set about knocking them down one by one? Do you just jump in and do things as they arise? When do you start working on things if there is a deadline? Does a deadline help or harm your motivation?

I have found deadlines to be great motivators in my life. Back in school I was the kid that procrastinated until it was nearly impossible to get that report or assignment done on time and then would complete it under that panic stress of getting it done on time. My parents would always push me to start things earlier. They would tell me if I started working on things right away I could do things more slowly and take my time, and if I finished earlier I wouldn't have to worry last minute about something going wrong and not getting it done. I understood the logic, even then, but I didn't agree it would work for me.

When I began writing I would just write when I had the inspiration and motivation to do so. That meant I would start a project and after a passionate beginning it would sit and collect dust because either some other book would catch my interest or something other than writing would be more interesting. I would just set aside what I was working on and tell myself I would come back to it but I rarely did. Things sat that way until I began writing during Nanowrimo. Having that deadline of 50k words by the end of the month deadline looming over me pushed me like nothing ever had before. I found myself finding times to write and training my mind to tap into the storyline any chance I got to write. I was a game changer.

Even now, when I write, I impose deadlines if not writing during Nanowrimo. As I prepare for my bike ride I have noticed a similar mentality. I had a plan for my training that was 77 weeks long. Every 11 weeks I would increase to a new level and add things in making it a slower progression and allow my body to be conditioned slowly and consistently. That worked for about 15 weeks when I hit a mental wall and struggled to stay on track. I was so far away from the ultimate goal I was having a hard time keeping the focus. I fell off my plan and had to rework it numerous times. Understandably, people believed I was going to give up. I am not giving up.

With less than six months before the ride now I am in that panic mode of getting things accomplished and getting conditioned to physically complete the ride. And with that deadline coming, I have found my motivation and the dedication I have been needing to push through sore muscles, excuses, and make it the priority it has always been emotionally but now is in every facet of my life. What camp do you fall into for motivation? Can you plan ahead and work diligently toward a goal, or do you wait for the dark cloud of deadline to be moving in? 

Writing, My Other Outlet

 I have been focusing on my ride coming up in September and it would be easy to only concentrate on that. But for me, the most important part of the ride is what inspired it to begin with, my writing. The ride is a fundraiser for five different organizations that help people with different aspects of PTSD and issues that can lead to it. I was diagnosed when I was twenty two and when I decided to write Sharing Strength, which then became a series, I wanted to share not only the military side but also additional reasons people can experience this debilitating concern.

Cycling has become a strong source of therapy for me in the last nine and a half years. I find that when I feel anxious or overwhelmed, I can get on my indoor bike and crank up the resistance, go to the gym and take a spin class, or get out and enjoy the scenery as I pedal through the emotions. All of these things have helped heal me when I was experiencing a bad time in my life. I literally would sweat out the emotions as I pedalled though each moment toward a rejuvenation. It is a therapy I never thought I would find, especially because I was well over two hundred pounds and the thought of any physical healing seemed impossible. Luckily, things changed for me about thirteen years ago.

Not only did I find cycling after I was able to change my thought process and finally begin losing weight, I found a confidence I had been lacking. Once I embraced the ability to do more I started taking on challenges such as my first distance ride and I finally jumped into the passion I have always had and decided to take the next step with my writing. I wrote and published my first book in 2014 and began work on the original version of Sharing Strength. It took me years to finally complete it and a big part of that was writing and exploring the other four books in the series. By finding out more about each character and learning their stories it helped to shape what Sharing Strength would eventually become.

Now, looking back on the series, I can see how much of myself is in each of the stories. Survivor is based on my own true story, Fish captures feelings I endured and some of the things I went through, Crash follows a character I thought was more of a secondary character but came to connect with more than almost any others as I got to know him, Combat forced me to really get to know the military side of PTSD and I learned so much through my research and the incredible veterans that helped me. Sharing Strength was a culmination of everything and the way it came to life as I wrote it made me feel every struggle and triumph and I healed with the characters, wept and celebrated with them. It was a journey that I am proud to have made with them.

I have a a number of hobbies and creative outlets but I am grateful for cycling and writing to release the stress and give me a way to connect to my healing. What are some ways you let go and relieve the stress and tension of your life?

Getting Personal

 This past Monday was my birthday. February 28th. It comes every year and for most of my life I have simply given a small smile or brushed off the comments, accepting well wishes and moving on about my day. This year I had a breakdown. Unlike so many I know, I hate my birthday. 

It isn't a self loathing issue, some kind of chronic lack of enough attention, or unfulfilled desire to have more made out of a day that generally passes by relatively quietly, it is a reminder of so many terrible memories I have nightmares, flashbacks, and have to fight crippling anxiety each year when it appears again. This year I lost the fight. I have kept the majority of the information inside myself for over two decades but following the breakdown I opened up to those closest to me and in light of the healing I have spent the last year working to achieve and the ride I am preparing to do on behalf of those like me, I have decided to share some of the darkest and most difficult things I have in my heart.

When I was a kid my parents used to throw parties with pizza and games and invite all my classmates. I was never a huge fan of those because I only got along real well with a handful of the kids. Still, it was a party and I was supposed to be having fun. I would smile and play the games, eat pizza and cake, but secretly I was happy when it was over. The first year I was allowed to just invite the friends I wanted I was beyond excited. I got to do what I wanted, with who I wanted, and I was going to be the princess of my own party. Until the day came, but the party didn't. I created handmade invitations, I planned my food and activities, everything was ready but the party wasn't to be. All the people I invited and things I wanted fell apart. Not a huge deal in the overall scheme of things but for a kid it was a huge rejection and was traumatizing.

A few years later I began dating a boy who I thought was my first real love. He was charming and handsome and I was queen of the world because every other girl wanted to be me. At least from what they could see. He was controlling, manipulative, condescending, insulting, and had a way of getting under my skin and into my head like no one else has ever done. Add to that he did this during my early teenage years and the damage was complete. His voice planted itself inside my mind and it lives there to this day. I am just now finally getting to the point I am stronger than it most days. On my fifteenth birthday we had an argument where he ignored me and made me give a full report to him about all the things wrong with me and why he could do better than me because I was worthless and not deserving of love. He told me to think about whether I should subject him to being with such a failure and then stopped talking to me. Just before midnight that night, while my family was asleep, I sat in the dining room with a bottle of rum and every pill I could find in the house. His voice taunted me, telling me I should end things so no one else would ever have to put up with me again.

It ended up being that same voice that stopped me from killing myself that night as well. The voice in my head laughed and told me even if I tried I would screw it up and then the whole world would see what a loser I am. I would embarrass my parents and no one would be able to forgive me for messing up something like that. I put the liquor and pills away, but the pain stayed inside me. The next year we broke up on my birthday when he attacked me and nearly killed me himself. I survived but there was a point after the attack I saw him and was still so far gone emotionally that I apologized to him for being the kind of girl who deserved that.

Keeping the tradition alive for bad years, my seventeenth birthday I was waiting for one of my best friends to drive up from his home near Detroit to have dinner with me but he never came. I thought he had changed his mind and I wasn't worth visiting. I found out later that night he had been killed by a drunk driver while on his way to see me. Two years after that his younger brother was attending a party at an apartment complex next to the one I lived in and was coming to say hello when another party goer sped out of the parking lot without his headlights on and killed him. He was alive long enough for me to hear the accident and get to his side but he died in my arms while waiting for the ambulance. 

I had one other time I tried to do something when my ex husband insisted I have a party but when I said I wanted an alcohol free party, something more like what I used to do when I was a kid, he blew me off and I, instead, spent the day playing designated driver to him and his drunk friends. It was a reminder of my lost friends and I felt like I was driving around with their ghosts.

My current husband did, six years ago, recreate that birthday for me and it was the one incredibly good day I have had on the 28th. It does not, however, erase the pain that day has held for so long. Being reminded of the loss and the pain of the abusive relationship I have dealt with over half my life brought on the anxiety. Doing the work to face those feelings for the past year and preparing to do my bike ride in honor of those like me who struggle with PTSD made everything that much more vivid. I broke.

I fell apart completely and I was sitting at work, doing everything in my power to hide the tears that wouldn't stop, when I was given some inspiration. A good friend and inspirational woman I have known since we were teenagers also went through a horrible trauma. She was attacked and raped in her home and was devastated. But she didn't let it defeat her. She changed her perspective and created a different day in her life. She celebrates her survival with a day she calls her affirmation of life day. After the attack she packed up her life and moved overseas to explore the world and has since travelled extensively and taken on adventures and life with a spirit I can only hope to embody someday.

I decided to take a page from her book. My birthday is never going to be a day I want to celebrate but there is a day on the calendar that makes me proud. August 18th is a day that stands out because after my ex was done with me I had crippling fear of everyone and everything. I couldn't go to the grocery store to buy milk by myself without having a full blown panic attack. I was destroyed emotionally and completely unable to do almost anything at all. It took the encouragement of all of my friends and family to go back to school, graduate college, and go on a volunteer trip in 2009. But I did go. I went to Australia to do conservation work. I also had mini meltdowns everyday, most days on several occasions. 

Shortly after we arrived and all met one another we began our work. On the very first day I was riding through pastures on my way with the group out to plant trees. I was standing on the hitch between a trailer and the truck when I realized we had to go through a dip and I was going to slip off. I tried to jump off and clear the path but slipped in mud and ended up getting hit by the trailer. It was mortifying. I lay, facedown in the mud, crying and hating myself for being such a loser, when everyone in the group rushed over. I waited silently for the ridicule. But it never came. They helped me up. They asked if I was ok. They became my friends. I spent the rest of the trip closer to those six people than I had been to almost any other human being the entire time since my ex attacked me. They saved me. That day was my Ah Ha moment. 

It was the first time I felt like it was ok to not always be perfect. I could laugh at myself and the stupid thing I did and they would laugh with me, not at me. I was reborn that day. It isn't a new birthday but a rejuvenation day. For me it is a day that reminds me that I began to heal. I have struggled for the past few months because I was falling into the victim mindset again facing all the old feelings but with the support of those that love me I will be getting back to the survivor mindset and part of that is beginning a new tradition to celebrate my rejuvenation day each year on August 18th.

If anyone out there is struggling, please know you are not alone. Life is hard but there is so much support. I am always here to listen and be a friend even if I don't personally know you. Life is precious, even when it hurts, and we are all in this together. There are resources if you are worried about harming yourself or that someone you know is feeling that way. If you need help the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be a wonderful tool. 1-800-273-8255 Please reach out if you need to talk.