Anyone can have depression. That wake up and cry even when you can't say the reason, kills all motivation, hard to function kind of feeling. I woke up that way this morning. I get days like that every now and then which isn't strange but it can make going through the day more difficult, especially when you have to go to a book signing and be professional, talkative, and upbeat. I sat in my office for over half an hour debating the merits of not even showing up.
For those that have read my blog before, you know I suffer from PTSD. This causes my depressive days to be more frequent, more intense, and harder to recover from than a regular person who just had a bad day. However there is an odd silver lining to the PTSD. Because I am afflicted with this disorder I have been medicated and trained far more than a normal person on how to deal with my moods when they arise. There are definitely days I am unable to cope and those become the times I have to resign myself to lying in bed and allowing my mind and body to get back to neutral.
Today I was able to get myself up and dressed, though it took multiple attempts to find an outfit I felt author-ish in, and head to the signing. It was as I was setting up my tiny table that I realized one of the things bothering me. I looked around at everyone unloading all of their different books, setting up their displays and pulling out various marketing materials from their different boxes and containers but all I had was a single plastic container that could fit everything in it. I wish I had the level of marketing materials everyone else has, such as post cards and swag but I don't. I wish I had signs and banners proudly proclaiming who I am and the books I have written, but again, I don't. I only have two books available even after three years where I see other authors publishing more than one per year. It can grate on the nerves.
I have books drafted but I have yet to produce another book I am proud to show or publish. They are not ready. In some cases I know what I need to do in order to fix / finish them but for some reason my brain refuses to cooperate. Three of my books need editing and a rewrite to extend the story to a more appropriate length. One of those will require a dramatic rewrite that is going to change a large portion of the story itself. There are also three books that need to be completed and are in various stages of first draft. I am simultaneously lost from feeling overwhelmed and have so many paths I could work hard the rest of the year just to complete what is in front of me.
Once I get going and can fall back into the books I am doing the rewrites for I will be able to get lost in the pages and feel the story coming alive again but right now it seems oppressing. Instead of staring at the mocking blank screen of the beginning of my next new book I am staring at fifty-thousand words that need to be rewritten into eighty-five thousand words of much more cohesive story telling. I have a tremendous amount of work to do and I am hoping me brain and my heart will come together to allow me to keep doing what I love very soon.