Today for the second time I found myself in a situation where my anxiety level was overwhelming yet I was able to find relief in writing. The first I have discussed in the past, Survivor. I fought with the symptoms of my PTSD for years having periodic breakdowns and even driving away my husband at the time because I was not prepared to face what had happened. I began writing a book, Sharing Strength, about people that deal with those same symptoms and ended up telling my story of the damaging relationship I went through as a teenager.
Survivor was hands down the most painful thing I have ever written. I talked with a therapist and had to be medicated while writing it because opening up about my past felt nearly impossible. Once I started however, the words began to flow. They flooded out of me in an endless stream until I was completely drained physically, emotionally and professionally. I suffered a massive breakdown upon initial completion but as time has gone on I have found my voice and begun speaking on the subject of my experiences. Writing helped me get through that and today I have found solace in the creative world once again.
Today was more of a physical fear. I am terrified of motorcycles and being on one or even in the vicinity normally requires a good amount of medication. Because of the sinus infection I have been fighting and the meds that go along with that battle I was unable to take my anti-anxiety pills tis morning. I had, however, agreed to go on a trip from my home in Las Vegas to a meeting in Yermo, California approximately two hours away. I badly wanted to renege on that plan but I am a person that keeps their word so I had no choice but to suck it up and find a way to get through it.
As the ride started I sat on the back seat of the bike and held on with shaking hands, praying that I made it without having a breakdown. After ten minutes or so of deep breathing and focusing so hard I was getting a headache I decided to try thinking about a scene in one of my books. I thought about advice an agent had given me and slowly began to rewrite the part he had suggested I change. In my head I completely revised the scene. I was so caught up that we pulled in to the first stop without me realizing we were still on the road. I spent the rest the trip losing myself in thoughts of my books and my author events I plan and attend.
I am thrilled with the way the revised scene turned out and have already rewritten it so I could see how it would look. I have a number of ideas for the next event I am going to be a part of in 2018. Monday I will be meeting with my event planning partner and I cannot wait to share the ideas that helped get me through the ride today. I know most people would not consider the two situations to be the same but for me they were equally terrifying. They were also equally conquered but my greatest passion, writing.