I had a conversation recently about emotions. A friend of mine observed that n everyday life I can be extremely guarded with my feelings. It was even suggested, and rightly so, that my ability to hide what is happening inside can cause people to feel shut out. People may not realize that I am upset or worse they may not know I care about them.
I believe that one of the best people one could ever question about that would be my ex husband. He stood by me for nearly six years as I grappled with my PTSD. In complete fear of doing or saying something wrong and embarrassing myself I shut my heart and mind off completely to everyone around me including him. We parted ways because I could never show him how much I had loved him.
While looking back I can honestly say that we wouldn't have worked anyway because we are vastly different people, it is fair to also say the divorce was my fault. I pushed him away in a terrible set fulfilling prophecy that I wasn't good enough to keep him. He didn't deserve that. While divorce was imminent he had a right to know how much I cared, how grateful I was and to understand exactly what was really going on inside me.
I still manage to hide my heart to this day. It is more of an unintentional side effect of me being in an uncomfortable situation but it most certainly still happens. I have a boyfriend now that at least has been with me long enough to know I deal with the anxiety disorder and for the most part is very supportive of the mood swings and times of emotional distance. We still have our fights but at least I can more openly discuss what is happening.
The part that is still a major struggle for me is with friends and family when I feel something like love and appreciation but I am unconsciously in one of my hiding moods. I feel it so strongly but yet it is hidden beneath the surface and at times those around me can feel unappreciated. I am working on that. It is kind of a cheating way to handle things but I have found that I can be more open in my writing.
Just earlier today I was trying to get into the proper mindset for my PTSD novel Sharing Strength and I was listening to the song You Raise Me Up by singer Josh Groan. It immediately made me curl up and cry. There is so much intensity in that particular song for me and it clearly represents the point in the story I am currently residing at that is struck me to my very core. As I sat on my staircase, tears streaming down my cheeks I listened not just to the lyrics but the passion behind every noted played. It moves me.
I do my best to make sure that the characters in my books have the same passion and emotion which is why I listen to such songs as I create. I hope that one day I am able to share how I am feeling as freely as I can when I write but in the meantime I will do everything I can to show who I am, how I feel and how much I love through the words and actions of my characters.