Today when I woke up I finally accomplished something I have been working on for years, I lost enough weight to reach my goal of 150 pounds. I should be celebrating. When I gave up the food for my challenge this year I wanted it to help make me healthier. Then when I extended the challenge I declared I could not get the food items back until I reached that solid 150 pound goal. Today I weighed in at 149.2 pounds.
I am not celebrating for two reasons. The first is that I am honestly still not happy with the way I look and feel. I have changed the goal to lose another five pounds and tone. It is important to me that I am happy with my body because it is a basis for my confidence when I am doing anything in public, most notably my book shows. The second reason is that while I am not out for a delicious meal to enjoy having the food items back I was going to reward myself with a flurry style ice cream treat, ice cream is my favorite, I could not afford to buy it.
I have been struggling financially for a bit. It will pass and I am working on ways to fix the problem but as I tried on a shirt I never could have worn before then had to put it back because there was no way I could buy it, I did my best not to cry. The same went for my desire to buy the ice cream treat. It was small, simple, and yet it was beyond my reach. Sometimes things like that can feel much larger.
Those financial difficulties have bled into my writing life as well. I am planning a merchandise line as well as working on a new book. I am currently unable to order any copies of the book when it is finished or get samples of the merchandise. I am not even sure how I will be affording the table for the next book show I am supposed to attend. I know that we say there is no good excuse for not writing. If you are feeling things than put it in your writing. If something is on your mind, distract yourself by diving into your fictional world.
The plain truth is sometimes I am unable to do that. My depression gets the better of me and my heart shuts down to hide from the frustration. When my heart and head both go on hiatus I am left alone, adrift in the nothingness until something finally brings be back to shore. I am floating right now. I am doing my best and I know I will find my way home. Please be patient until I can. Thank you.