Sunday, October 12, 2014

Feeling Consumed

I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds earlier. I have always loved the cerebral level of the show and have found the quotes inspiring. The quote that ended the episode I was watching was from J.C. Watts. "It doesn't take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go."

I have been told for so long that I am strong but this quote exposes the exact reason I am actually extremely weak. I do not hold grudges and I do not hang on to petty insults or injustices. However I have never been able to get past certain events. I hang on because I am comfortable in the pain and because the result of going through those experiences is that there a many things I no longer have faith in I struggle to think I even could move on.

I think about the things I have gone through and yes they have been painful but I see others suffering and I think if they can move on and let go why can't I? Why am I unable to let it go and truly get a fresh start? I buried everything for so long as a way to cope but in truth that only made it worse. I still have nightmares more often than not. I still break into cold sweats and have anxiety that comes up for no reason I can justify.

I hang on to things I cannot change and I know that letting go would bring relief and happiness so that I could finally have some closure. Yet the knowledge does nothing. My heart insists on hanging on. I cry often, hurt daily and cannot find the words to explain why. There is only one thing I can come up with, I don't understand living beyond the pain.

I have lost faith. I try desperately to be an optimistic person. I put on a smile and dance to the music. I go to work and enjoy my job. I live day to day with someone that cares deeply for me and I for him yet when people question when we may marry I recoil. I have lost faith. I earn money for a life I am not completely sure will ever exist. I live in the moment keeping myself busy so that I don't have to think about the future yet my past inhabits everything I think and feel. It is like being haunted by myself.

I want to let go. I want to show strength but as it turns out I am still weak. Without my faith in my own ability I am not sure I will ever truly overcome.

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