When I was fifteen years old I sat in the silence of my parent's dining room staring at a collection of pill bottles and a bottle of liquor I had swiped from their cabinet. The voice in my head, my ex's voice that still lives with me to this day, was screaming that I was a disappointment. I was a waste of time and space and no one cared about me. All I did was get in the way, cause problems, and the world would be a better and happier place if I wasn't in it. I was fully prepared to swallow ever single pill and wash it down with the alcohol until I wasn't a burden anymore. As I pulled the caps off the pill bottles I let a few tears fall but I was resigned to my fate.
Just as I shook out a handful of pills and pulled the top off the liquor I heard something else inside my head, laughing. His voice had driven me to wanting to take my own life, now it was mocking me for trying to do so. It told me what I fool I was for thinking I could successfully kill myself. It said I would mess up and end up a vegetable and people would be stuck taking care of me for the rest of my miserable and pointless life. I cried as it informed me how embarrassed everyone would be of and for me and what a joke I would be when I failed. I couldn't go through with it. The voice that nearly killed me, also saved my life. In the years since that event I have often wondered, and have tried to convince myself, that it was a tiny, stronger part of me that truly desired to live that was actually keeping me from going through with it but the fact is, I wasn't that strong and even now I barely have that kind of strength.
I never called anyone, I never even told anyone, that I nearly committed suicide, but I did. It wasn't until just a few years ago that I opened up and shared that story for the first time. It became a large part of the talks I did when the subject of PTSD and surviving my domestic abuse history came up. I wish I would have had the courage to make a call but I didn't. Now I fight for those that feel they have lost hope because I have been in their shoes. I was lucky enough to come out the other side but I have lost several friends because their battle was worse than mine.
After I worked on Sharing Strength and reflected on my story I knew when I thought up my bike ride who the final charity organization should be. So many people who deal with this affliction consider, attempt, or sadly succeed with suicide. I chose the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Their mission below I think demonstrates why I picked such a dedicated organization and my personal connection to the cause.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a weeks in the United States. We're committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional practices, and building awareness.
If you would like to learn more about this wonderful organization or support their cause, you can visit them at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
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