Charity Spotlight - Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 When I was fifteen years old I sat in the silence of my parent's dining room staring at a collection of pill bottles and a bottle of liquor I had swiped from their cabinet. The voice in my head, my ex's voice that still lives with me to this day, was screaming that I was a disappointment. I was a waste of time and space and no one cared about me. All I did was get in the way, cause problems, and the world would be a better and happier place if I wasn't in it. I was fully prepared to swallow ever single pill and wash it down with the alcohol until I wasn't a burden anymore. As I pulled the caps off the pill bottles I let a few tears fall but I was resigned to my fate.

Just as I shook out a handful of pills and pulled the top off the liquor I heard something else inside my head, laughing. His voice had driven me to wanting to take my own life, now it was mocking me for trying to do so. It told me what I fool I was for thinking I could successfully kill myself. It said I would mess up and end up a vegetable and people would be stuck taking care of me for the rest of my miserable and pointless life. I cried as it informed me how embarrassed everyone would be of and for me and what a joke I would be when I failed. I couldn't go through with it. The voice that nearly killed me, also saved my life. In the years since that event I have often wondered, and have tried to convince myself, that it was a tiny, stronger part of me that truly desired to live that was actually keeping me from going through with it but the fact is, I wasn't that strong and even now I barely have that kind of strength.

I never called anyone, I never even told anyone, that I nearly committed suicide, but I did. It wasn't until just a few years ago that I opened up and shared that story for the first time. It became a large part of the talks I did when the subject of PTSD and surviving my domestic abuse history came up. I wish I would have had the courage to make a call but I didn't. Now I fight for those that feel they have lost hope because I have been in their shoes. I was lucky enough to come out the other side but I have lost several friends because their battle was worse than mine. 

After I worked on Sharing Strength and reflected on my story I knew when I thought up my bike ride who the final charity organization should be. So many people who deal with this affliction consider, attempt, or sadly succeed with suicide. I chose the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Their mission below I think demonstrates why I picked such a dedicated organization and my personal connection to the cause.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a weeks in the United States. We're committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional practices, and building awareness.

If you would like to learn more about this wonderful organization or support their cause, you can visit them at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Book Spotlight - Sharing Strength

 The last book in the series is actually the first one I wrote. Back in 2014 I was watching a very long documentary about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD. After watching for close to three hours the only thing I had learned from it was that the opinion of the writers and producers was that only military members could have such an affliction. As someone who was diagnosed at the age of 22 and has never served a day in the military, I was deeply frustrated with that portrayal. Those who are or have served by far make up the largest and best known group but there are so many other ways to end up dealing with the issues and anxiety of this particular ailment.

Following the documentary I retaliated in the only way I know how, I started to write. I created a number of characters that were members of a support group. In the end there were six people in the group including the man who moderated but they each had their own personalities, background issues, and side effects of their diagnosis. When I first created the storyline I had no idea where it was going or how the characters would interact with each other. I wrote the first draft but it felt stiff and like a lot of things were missing. I just couldn't figure out what those things were. That was when I started writing the novellas.

I knew Jasmine's story since it was based on what happened to me as a teenager but the rest were complete fiction and I had to get to know the characters on a deeper level. I had no idea how difficult that would end up being for me. As I shared when spotlighting each of the other books, the research and / or connection to the characters was an emotional journey each time. It wasn't until I knew their stories and felt their feelings better that I realized just how much was missing in the original manuscript. There was so much more background I got to understand when writing the novellas. It was through that comprehension that I realized the original ending was wrong, the focus on one character as the main one was wrong, and my understanding of all the interactions was so far off it was like they were happening in a different book. It took over a month to go through the first draft and make notes and figure out the changes, then another two weeks to write out what became a 34 page detailed outline I used to write the final version.

My heart and soul is written across the pages of this book and, even though Survivor is based on my personal story, I feel more connected to Sharing Strength. This book ended up being so important to me that I even got a custom designed tattoo in honor of it and series. The colors of the awareness ribbon represent not only suicide prevention but PTSD awareness and domestic violence awareness as well. The name of the series is scrawled across the bottom and underlines the butterfly itself. The butterfly is a symbol of survivors as is the semicolon in the right wing. The lace design is meant to represent the delicate mental health of survivors as well as the fragility of life in general and the "rough and imperfect" look of the drawing demonstrates that life isn't pretty and perfect. 

I announced my bike ride at the launch for this book and cannot wait to bring further awareness to organizations that help people like the characters represented within the pages of Sharing Strength.

Charity Spotlight - Mission 22

 Considering the name of my trip, Ride 22 On 66, I think it's clear why I chose this organization. They are a group that was founded by veterans and is dedicated to helping them and their families as they return to the world and face issues like PTSD. Their mission states, "Mission 22 provides support to Veterans and their families when they need it most: right now. Through a comprehensive approach of outreach, events, and programs, we're promoting long-term wellness and sustainable growth."

There can be no question why this is the charity I selected to connect with Combat. In a book about soldiers from the United States Army serving a deployment overseas and dealing with the trauma of war, I had to have an organization that was dedicated to helping people like that when they came home. They offer resources and support with a goal of helping to end veteran suicide and make life better for those who have served. I am beyond proud to work with them in any capacity. The number twenty two ties directly to them and shows their commitment to bringing awareness to this tragic epidemic. One of the men who spoke with me during my research for Combat had worked with Mission 22 at one point and said they provided help to his family when he had to leave and deal with some mental and emotional issues on his own.

He never considered suicide but he struggled and when facing his demons he had to be on his own. Then he had to find a way to bring his struggles and healing mechanisms back to his family and life and find a way to incorporate the new him into the old world. Mission 22 was there for him again as he made that transition. 

They offer a variety of programs and events aimed at supporting the veteran, their families, and others immediately connected to them. You can find out more by checking out their website at www.mission22.com.

Book Spotlight - Combat

 Combat is the book I wasn't sure I would be able to finish. When I wrote Survivor the struggle was being open enough to share my story, even a fictionalized version of it, with the world. Fish I worked on and it made me emotional because I felt so much for the young girl at the center of the conflicts within the book. Crash I shared last week was difficult because I saw the main character as a secondary and found it difficult to connect with him for a long time. But Combat was a different animal altogether.

When people discuss PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, most times they are referring to someone in the military. They are by far the largest group recognized with the symptoms of the syndrome and most statistics are from that group including the twenty two veterans per day on average that commit suicide because of PTSD. The problem with Combat was that I don't have any military experience or close connection in my life. Those who know me might question that because members of my family served and my husband in a veteran but my family never discussed anything and my husband doesn't suffer from PTSD nor did he serve in combat directly. He has shared the experiences he can but they aren't related to what happened in the book.

Instead I reached out to local groups and explained what I was working on and asked if anyone would be willing to talk to me about their experience and how it effected them. Understandably, not many took me up on it. There were a couple men who met me for coffee and talked about what they had seen and done. My goal was to make the book believable enough to have it make sense but not so realistic it would trigger someone. I ran the ideas and sections of the story by these men at every step and was able to take their feedback to find a balance that would work. I know there are so many elements I didn't include and a number of issues I did not address. It was hard working to tell a story I couldn't relate to and also trying to use research to do justice to what I learned from these brave men who were willing to open up about such painful memories in order to give me a tiny glance into their world.

I am grateful to those that helped and will always respect their request to stay anonymous. I wish I could publicly thank them and find a way to support them in their journeys as they work to recover and find where they fit into the world they now occupy. I hope I showed them the respect they deserve and represented their world in a way that may show others like me even the smallest glimpse of a world we are lucky to never experience for ourselves.

Monday Motivation

 "When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favor." - Elon Musk

This past weekend I did a short road trip that covered a few days of my upcoming ride. I drove out to Chambers, AZ then turned around and started making my way back along my route. I was able to check rest stops, food stops, and that the course was workable and safe. It was an eye opener to be out there again and see some of the climbs as I made my way west and proceeded from location to location.

For a few moments I was feeling disheartened and doubting as I thought about the amount of energy, stamina, and simple determination it would take to make it through each day of the ride. I couldn't help but question if I truly have it in me. The distance (2346.4 miles) is inconceivable in my mind, even now. I am focusing on each day individually, keeping my goals smaller and only trying to accomplish the next milestone. It is still hard to overlook what is right in front of you though and as I was watching the next hill or obstacle through the drive I voiced my concerns about being able to do it.

I was asked if I am that worried why not back out and admit I took on too large of a challenge. The truth is I have considered it a couple times but I always stayed the course and kept pushing. When I stopped in Seligman, AZ, I went to Delgadillos Snow Cap and looked out at Old Highway 66. Three years ago I sat in that same location, glancing along the road and commented on what a great place it would be to ride your bicycle through. At the time the question was where I would be coming from or going to because Seligman is in the middle of nowhere. I shrugged and said I wasn't sure but it was something I would like to do. From there I kept thinking about it and the idea grew and modified until it became what it is today, a twenty two day ride covering Route 66 in order to raise money for charities that help people like myself with PTSD. 

I walked along the street, stopping into the souvenir shops and checking out the memorabilia, remembering the last time I was there. I ended up speaking with a shop owner who is related to Angel Delgadillo, owner of the Snow Cap and I told him about my ride. He shared my enthusiasm for the project and offered to help promote it because he wanted to be a part of something so meaningful. That was all it took to quiet the fears and doubt. It was a reminder of just how important the ride and the organizations it supports are to me and why I took on this life changing challenge in the first place. This is important enough so I will be giving it my all, no matter what the odds.

Charity Spotlight - Code Green Campaign

 As I shared when I did the spotlight on Crash, this charity is different. For those not familiar with their work, they are an organization that focuses on the mental well being of first responders. It was not immediately apparent to many who had read Crash why I chose to associate this book and charity but there is a connection.

To start with, there is a fatal car accident in Crash and first responders are sent to deal with the aftermath. One of those same first responders shows up again in Sharing Strength and represents a form of hope and healing. This was something I wanted to showcase. The story is about Craig but we don't live our lives in a vacuum so I wanted to make sure that the people he interacted with could be just as impactful as he was himself. On top of that, I was shown first hand, just how difficult things can be for first responders and I had never stopped to think about the trauma they are exposed to day in and day out without most people noticing just how much it can affect them.

Almost five years ago a tragic event took place in my beautiful city. Las Vegas was the site of a horrendous shooting that killed nearly sixty people and injured over five hundred. The damage is still felt to this day and nearly every citizen of the valley feels it in our hearts and souls. I heard the shots. I heard screams and people running. I felt the fear and will never forget seeing the lights of the ambulances and police arriving on scene. I made it home that night and watched through burning, tear streaming eyes as the news attempted to update on the chaos. I didn't sleep. I sat on my sofa, wrapped in a blanket, and stared at the television. I stared at those who were there and working. I didn't know it at the time but I would later meet some of them and they would show me a glimpse into their world I would never forget.

After the shooting I was fortunate enough to help build the memorial park we have to honor the victims. I met representatives of Code Green as they worked with local first responders and spoke about the ! October Fund set up to help the victim's families and the survivors, especially those who worked so hard that night to save people. At the end of the park build there was an event to paint tiles that would be fired and glazed then used to decorate part of the walkway and benches of the park. I helped with that as well. When I heard there was going to be a second tile painting I volunteered to help. I didn't know until I got there it was exclusively for the first responders who were there that night.

I overheard a woman telling another volunteer that her husband was one of the EMTs who had helped transport people and coming to the tile painting was the first time he had left the house since that night. I asked who he was and if it would be ok to go talk to him. She said I was welcome to try. He had a far off look I have never seen before when I approached and I almost turned around. It was as if he were still seeing that night play before him all the time. I did finally speak to him. I introduced myself and told him I admired what he sacrificed to do what he did. It was the first time he looked directly at someone all night. I said for him to give up his own mental well being to save others was something I couldn't imagine being able to handle and I just wanted to say thank you for having a courage most could only dream of. He stood up and hugged me and when he did he started to cry.

He held me for a long time as his entire body shook. He cried loud and long and didn't care who saw. It made several others begin to cry as well but not out of sorrow. It was like they had been given permission to let go. First responders are the ones we turn to when things are going wrong and they are trained to stay cool under pressure. That doesn't mean they aren't human. They struggle and hurt and still have to keep pushing even when the rest of us would have broken down. I am honored to be raising money and awareness for Code Green Campaign because what they do and who they serve truly deserves to be in the spotlight more often. Please take  moment to learn more about this worthy organization at https://codegreencampaign.org.

Writing Spotlight - Crash

 Continuing on in the Sharing Strength series, the third book is Crash. This book was one of the most difficult for me to get started as I worked my way through the stories and I was truly concerned for awhile that it would be the cause of me never completing things. I am thankful that wasn't the case and I learned a lot through this book.

When I first began writing Sharing Strength it was the only book. This was never meant to be a series. I wrote the book that would become the last and had no idea the impact the characters would have on me and my life. Craig Stillwell, the main character of Crash, was one I almost overlooked. He was quiet and played second fiddle to every other character in the book. He was troubled and sad but it was about a support group for people with PTSD, everyone felt that way. He suffered from survivor's guilt which I knew and it is something I know about, but I never felt that spark of a connection with him. He was just there.

That was why I worried so much when it came time to work on his story. The novella I wrote about his background, how he got to Sharing Strength in the first place, sat stagnant for months. I couldn't get him to open up and writing his story felt like typing up a report on someone who barely spoke. It wasn't until I was cleaning my office during the shutdown two years ago and a song came on in the playlist I was listening to that connected me to him finally. It was such an emotional song and hit me so hard I fell to my knees crying at the raw pain I felt coming from him in my mind. Once I was able to get myself under control again I managed to get into my desk chair, grabbed a pen and a notebook and wrote the entire outline of the story in one sitting. After that it took less than two weeks to write it all out. 

Craig's story is unique in a number of ways. While I have experienced a small amount of survivor's guilt in my life it has never risen to the level of trauma. I do not know anyone personally this story could be considered based on. And it is the only one I did no research for. On top of that it is the only one of the books that requires reading Sharing Strength to have a full understanding of the characters complete transformation through the PTSD. He went from being a secondary character I almost forgot about to quite possibly the main character and representation of the series itself. I hope you will take some time get to know him and see how his story may touch your life as well.

Motivation On Monday

 "If you can dream in, you can do it." Walt Disney

As I am preparing for my ride coming up in September I have found this quote is something that rings in my mind quite often. I have it written on the calendar in my office as well as one of the quotes that scrolls across my computer screen from time to time.

Two years ago I took a road trip and as we drove along a section of Route 66 I was struck by how charming the area was. I mentioned that I felt it would be a great place to ride my bike but was immediately asked where I would be coming from or going to as where we were wasn't close to any other town. I replied I didn't know but it seemed like something I would enjoy doing. We finished our food and continued on our drive. 

I have always loved Route 66. I can't get enough of the history, the scenery, the pure Americana of it. As we travelled I kept finding spots I wanted to check out or take pictures of at each turn. My husband has participated in a cross country motorcycle ride and they also travel along different sections of or at least near Route 66 so we discussed that as we went along. I told him I was inspired by his trip but being that I prefer pedal power I thought a trip like that would be exciting on a bicycle. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, telling me it was a pipe dream without ever uttering a word, and continued down the road. 

It was a pipe dream. My problem, at least one of them, is that the more impossible something sounds the more I have to try it. I become obsessed. The idea of training for a ride that spans more than twenty three hundred miles is daunting to say the least. On top of the distance, when I ultimately decided it was going to be more than just a dream but an attempted reality, I chose to pursue this endeavor in just twenty two days. It averages out to close to one hundred and nine miles per day by the route I created. Yes I am capable of riding one hundred miles in a single day. However, this is doing so over a variety of terrain, regardless of weather, and repeatedly for just over three weeks. But I did say it was a dream.

According to Mr. Disney, because I dreamt it, I can achieve it. I am fighting and training as hard as possible to prove this quote to be true. What is it you dream of making happen in your own life?

Charity Spotlight - RAINN

RAINN - Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network is the second organization I want to share. As the name tells, they represent and assist those dealing with sexual assault of multiple varieties. They have been around for 27 years and have helped 3.7 million survivors in that time. I chose them for Fish because I felt they covered a broad spectrum of victims and survivors with their services.

Fish focuses on a teenager but people of all ages experience sexual assault of some kind. According to the statistics page on their website, 1 in every 6 women and 1 out of every 33 men will experience an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. Every year 60,000 children are victims of sexual assault or rape and nearly 19,000 members of the military experience some level of unwanted sexual contact. One of the biggest issues with combating sexual assault is that the majority of crimes go unreported which makes it difficult to track and nearly impossible to bring the offenders to justice.

I, myself, am a survivor of sexual assault / rape. When I was a teenager I survived an abusive relationship that destroyed my ability to stand up for myself. I did what anyone told me because that is what I had been programmed to do and even though I didn't trust anyone, I would go anywhere or do almost anything just because I felt like I needed someone to care for me, even if it was just pretend, in order to feel like I mattered at all. Because of that, I spent time with the wrong people and ended up being raped more than once. I reported one but was shamed and talked out of following through with pressing charges. The other times I was too embarrassed to even try. After the abuser spent years convincing me I was worthless, I believed I simply deserved to be raped. Because of that, none of the people who attacked me were ever charged, tried, or had to answer for what they did to me. At the time I wasn't strong enough to defend myself and now I live with the fear that my silence may have allowed them to do the same thing to someone else. 

I am honored to be supporting an organization that helps so many that struggle to help themselves and work to bring so many to justice for a horrible crime. The effects of surviving sexual assault / rape can last for years afterward, if not for life, and can lead to a number of additional issues such as drug use for coping or PTSD. If you would like to learn more about the statistics or programs RAINN is involved in you can visit their website at www.rainn.org.

Spotlight - Fish

 Last week I shared Survivor, a book near and dear to my heart because it is based on my own true story. While there are a number of things I changed for personal or legal reasons, those who were around me during that time would be able to recognize the true events and emotions at the core of the book. Fish is a completely fictional work but there are feelings and situations from my life that were incorporated into this story as well.

Fish follows Rachel Morris, a high school sophomore with a very restrictive upbringing and parents who don't understand anything outside their narrow viewpoint. Because of circumstances beyond her control and her desire to help a friend in need, Rachel finds herself in a horrifying situation. She is then blamed, shamed, and guilted because of involvement she never intended to have. Her friends turn on her. The reaction of her parents is crippling. Rachel feels isolated and devastated with nowhere to go, no help to be found.

This book got to me as I was writing it because I did go through something similar to Rachel and I identified with that feeling of being alone so much it hurt. I ached for this young girl as I wrote her character and cried every time she had a setback. All she wanted was a friend and the ability to heal. I felt for her. I have felt like her. So many people end up in bad places when all they were trying to do was help someone they cared about. 

That guilt, on top of the trauma from whatever the triggering event was, can lead to years of enduring issues. PTSD can be temporary or the trauma can be so severe it changes the chemical makeup of the brain leading to a lifelong struggle with events, people, even words that bring about those feelings all over again. Fish deals with a number of concerns including sexual assault, bullying, and guilt. I hope it means as much to you as it did and still does to me.