Dream Love - poem for an anthology

My heart beats, my breath shudders

At this expressive moment’s pass

My body tingles, my eye lids flutter

I know this dream will never last

 

As down I lay, and dreams may come

To fill my sleeping mind

Alone I drift, through the unconscious sea

Until home again I find

 

My moment is now, as it always is

To prove my life so true

For tomorrow may never come

And this my last moment with you

 

Then let us lay arm in arm

And hold each other tight

Letting passion over take us

We shall make love all through the night

 

I feel your tender touch

Your lips upon mine

We shall live forever in this moment

We will exist only in this time

 

Whispered words, a gentle caress

And impassioned thoughts abound

Raising us up in this mystical world

We are soaring high above the ground

 

But suddenly our moment is over

I feel myself slip away

Morning has come and again I awake

To the light of a new dawning day

 

But my body does remember

It’s a feeling I cannot deny

Remember me for now my love

Soon again we will try

 

I will return to bed and dream of you

Again in the fading light

May this new dream last forever

And we stay together always in the night

sneak peek of new novel

Here is an excerpt from an upcoming book I am working on, let me know what you think.

                “Jasmine?” Kyle slid down on the bench beside her. She wasn’t crying but she looked like she had been, and like she could again at any moment. “Jasmine? Please talk to me.”

                She slowly turned her head and her eyes met his but he could tell she wasn’t really there. She just stared, solemn, silent. He put his hand on hers but there was still no response. She breathed in calmly and after a second let it out, shuddering. She looked away again, letting a single tear slip down her cheek.

                “It’s a shame about Rachel isn’t it?” This got her to snap her head back at once and while she definitely saw him now, the vacant stare had been replaced with a glare of rage and disbelief.

                “Shame?” She sniped through gritted teeth. “SHAME? It is a fucking tragedy!”

                “Ok, ok I am sorry. You’re right.” He held his hands up in surrender.

                “She was a sweet and innocent girl and what happened to her was unthinkable and then to find out we were her only support, it is just wrong.” The tears flowed more freely and she had to sniff back the heavier sobs to keep going. “She said I was her best friend and I barely knew her. How could anyone turn their back on someone like that?”

                “Jas, we tried to be there for her and you never turned your back. She looked up to you and probably was with us longer because of you. You were amazing with her.”

                “Oh yeah? Well if I was so great, why couldn’t I save her? Why did she have to do it? Why did she truly believe she was better off dead?” She gave up and collapsed in tears, leaning into Kyle’s shoulder wailing. Her heart was completely broken and she couldn’t understand any of this.

                He put his arm around her trembling shoulders and held her while she cried. He held her for a long time wisely choosing to say nothing. She needed the release and he was happy to be able to help her. She cried until she could barely breathe. He stroked her hair and kissed the top of her forehead gently. After what seemed like twenty minutes, but was more likely only about five, the force of her sobs began to subside. Eventually they were over all together.

                Even when the crying ended she stayed with her head on his shoulder and he never made a move to change it. He liked being there for her. He would hold her anytime she needed. With her cheek still leaning against him she twisted to look up at his warm concerned face. She straightened, looking him in the eye. “Why are you here?”

                “I know you used to come here with Rachel so I figured after the funeral this morning you could use a friend.” He reached up and wiped away one last defiant tear. She let his hand cradle her cheek for a moment. It did feel good to have someone she could talk to. “I am just glad you never wanted to do that. You know, kill yourself.”

                With that she pulled away and turned to look at the ground in front of her. She played with the leaves with her foot twirling them in circles drifting away, deep in thought. Very quietly she mumbled, “Actually I did.”

                “What did you say?” He couldn’t possibly have heard her right. She was strong, even if she didn’t believe it. She was intelligent and he just couldn’t fathom that she had ever considered suicide.

                She took a long ragged breath and cleared her throat. She raised her voice just slightly repeating, “Actually I did. I said I did want to kill myself. I wanted to die.”

                “That’s not funny.” He insisted. He shook his head refusing to believe it. He squeezed his eyes shut and pushed the image away. He opened them again and looked at her, against his own will, he glanced down at her wrists. There was only the mark from when she had been attacked. “You have no marks and you are still here so how can you say you thought about it. You obviously didn’t think about it very hard.”

                She leaned back and sighed again. “I have enough marks on me. That’s not how I was going to do it. And I did think about it a lot. It isn’t supposed to be funny, I really wanted to die and it scares me how close I came to trying. I was going to just take all the pills in my house and go to sleep. You really want to know the reason I am still here, the reason I didn’t do it?”

                He wasn’t sure he did want to know but he heard himself say, “Of course I want to know, as long as you are ok telling me.”

                “I was afraid I would screw it up.”

                “What do you mean?”

                “I was afraid that I would take the pills but they would make me sick, or brain dead, or a vegetable or something and then I would be worse off but still alive. My fear saved my life, do you have any idea how stupid that is?” She began to shake. He wasn’t sure if she was going to cry again or she was angry but he knew he had to help her somehow.

                “Who cares what saved you as long as it worked. You are still here and you come to group, help others and, please tell me I am right, you don’t think about dying anymore.”

                “No I don’t. At least I didn’t until Rachel went and slit her wrists like a dumbass. She was my friend and she went and abandoned me. What they hell was she thinking?” He could see the tears welling back up in her eyes. “You say I help others but I couldn’t help her. I wasn’t there for her enough. I wasn’t strong enough.”

                He slid over again so he could try and hold her but she shoved him away. She leaned down face in hands, elbows on knees, sobbing again for her fallen friend. Her heart ached and she couldn’t do anything but cry. She thought of the faces of Rachel’s parents. They had ignored her, accused her of causing her own rape. They had turned away when she reached out for help claiming she was being punished for her mistakes. In the end she had run away permanently.

The note they found with her body had explained everything in detail and had even apologized to Jasmine and the rest of the group. She just couldn’t stay any longer. In her hand she had held a white rose. A symbol of purity and hope, two things she felt she no longer had but the note explained it was for everyone else in the group. That hopefully they would keep working and fighting and she would watch over from a place where she no longer was afraid.

Jasmine hadn’t thought about dying for a while now but, even though she still wanted to live herself, she felt like thoughts of death were swirling around her once more, drowning her. She had a picture of the two of them sitting right here on this very bench on her phone and she wanted to look at it so bad but she couldn’t handle it. This amazing girl was gone and the smile in that picture seemed so deceiving now.

She sat up and wiped away the tears and reached for her purse to grab a tissue when a hand offered her one instead. She peered over and saw Kyle was still there. She was stunned. She expected him to leave when she pushed him away and yet he was sitting right there. It may have only been a tissue in his hand but to her it seemed like a promise. He was offering to help her, and just when she knew she really was going to need someone. Without thinking she slid over and kissed him.

It was quick and surprised them both but it was a moment neither would ever forget.

New Teaser for Never Give Up

 Here is another excerpt from Never Give Up!

            Detective Meyar paced impatiently in the lab. He had personally brought in the gun and other evidence collected and now he was anxiously awaiting the findings so he could get back out there and work to find the man that had caused so much destruction. He checked his phone for the time and saw that he had missed a call. Scanning the log he saw that the hospital had tried to reach him and he instantly hit the return call button on the screen.

            He was connected with the dispatcher and gave his information. She politely forwarded his call to the trauma ward. The few seconds it took for the doctor to pick up ticked by slowly. He checked the phone screen and saw it was only six seconds so far.

            “Hello?”

            “Yes, this is Detective Meyar. I received a call about twenty minutes ago.”

            “Ah, yes detective,” the physician’s voice was solemn, “I contacted you regarding Mr. Denton. He went into cardiac arrest and we were unable to revive him. He passed away just before I called.”

            “His injuries caused it?” Meyar already knew the answer but he just needed the confirmation.

            “Yes sir.”

            “Do you know what happened?”

            “He had a small aneurism that we weren’t able to detect at first and then once we had discovered it, it was inoperable.”

            “Why?”

            “It was located at the base of the brain just above the spinal cord and we were unable to get to it.”

            “I see, well I know you did all you could.”

            “We did, let us know if you need anything else in regard to Mr. Denton.”

            “Ok, thank you.”

            They disconnected and the detective sat down on the lobby bench. He put his head down and took a deep breath. He and his partner were the first responding officers when Denton was shot and they were the ones called that had radioed for the ambulance. He had gone to the hospital and talked to the doctors that night and been completely relieved when Denton had made it through the night. He was in a coma but the medical staff had seemed optimistic about his recovery and now, he was gone.

Life's inspiration

It has been said that we write best when we write what we know. I have always pulled from my own experiences for inspiration on what I write and the characters that I create. I even go so far as to notice I have used my own speech patterns in the dialogue.

Using my experiences had been tremendously helpful in many aspects however it is now giving way to what has by far been my most difficult writing challenge to date. Because of things I faced growing up I developed many insecurities, a few so severe I was emotionally crippled for years. My parents were the picture of support but my fears caused me to keep much of what happened to me under wraps.

I was ashamed. I struggled and finally after one of these moments I went to see a counselor and while his advice was anything but helpful he did diagnose me with a disorder I have realized I had had for a long time, even before he acknowledged it. I have PTSD. So many people hide from this diagnosis and refuse to discuss it, they fear seeking help and are afraid of implications of the disorder. I was too.

While there are many misconceptions about it, such as only soldiers have PTSD, or having it means you are weak, or worst of all many believe it isn't real and you can just get over whatever bothers you, I have experienced it and know these ideas are not true. There is an actual chemical change that occurs in the brain for people suffering from PTSD and you cannot simply stop feeling the symptoms. You need help and you need to be honest about what you are experiencing.

From my personal experience I wanted to get involved and try to help those like me. My best avenue has always been the written word and I developed a story I am working on that involves characters suffering from PTSD.

I am going to be releasing my debut novel Never Give Up in a few months but this next project, near and dear to my heart, will be following shortly. I will also have an excerpt of my new book up soon. I ask anyone that knows a person suffering to simply be there for them and let them know they are not alone. Just creating the story idea and characters for me has been difficult but it is my sincere hope that by understanding my story, I may effect someone else struggling through the same things.

Cover Model To Author

I have always been inspired by the written word, allowing myself to be transported to amazing new worlds and join the characters on fun and creative adventures. When I was in the second grade I read a very simple poem This Is My Rock by David McCord.

This is my rock
And here I run
To steal the secret
Of the sun

This is my rock
And here come I
Before the night
Has swept the sky

This is my rock
This is the place
I meet the evening
Face to face

I was instantly taken to a beautiful field where I could run through wildflowers and feel the sunshine on my face. Hidden deep in the recesses of my mind I spent the day smelling the sweet aromas and picnicking among the tall grass. There were birds floating overhead and the harmony of insects humming their industrious songs. As the twilight came I ventured to a Cliffside where I was able to greet the coming night. I saw the ocean and felt the mist of the crashing waves while the darkness swallowed the sky and stars burned brightly overhead.

I know this is simply my interpretation but it has stayed with me for over two decades. I spent years working on my own poems, short stories and anything I could think of involving publishing. This also includes being a cover model for a friend on a few of his books, one published and two works in progress.

This is the cover for the published book called The Biz by Joel Krupa. After a few years as a model dealer and cover model I am beyond thrilled to be debuting as novelist myself. My first full length novel Never Give Up will be out later this year and I hope people will take the journey into my world and enjoy the adventure along with me.

In just a few months I am looking forward to my book Never Give Up debuting. I have been lucky enough to become a part of the family at Pure Ice Publishing. Bree and Kate have been amazing and I feel very fortunate to be learning at their side. In preparation for the release I wanted to post a small teaser and hopefully get some feedback. Enjoy!

“Hey, what the hell do you think you are doing? Get out!” she yelled. “Didn’t you see there was already someone in here?”

            He just looked at her with dead, hollow eyes as though he didn’t hear her and was just noticing for the first time that he was not alone. Even when his eyes locked on hers he registered no emotion. It was terrifying to not be looked at but more looked through. Kaylie felt her skin crawl as he continued to stare.

            “I said get out, what is the matter with you asshole?” He just wouldn’t move. She reached over and pushed his grimy shoulder trying to get his attention. At first there was nothing but when she tried again he grabbed her wrist hard and twisted it. She cried out and the driver turned around to see what was happening behind him.

            “Hey buddy, let the lady go!” He yelled. No response. “Hey! I said let her…” he was silenced by a flash of metal in the cold light from the street. The man had a gun. All of a sudden the man smiled and that was far worse than the empty stare. She struggled to free her arm but his grip just tightened and the pain was enormous.

            “Drive.” It was obviously directed at the cab driver but he never diverted his eyes from hers’. The taxi didn’t move right away so, still without looking away, the dirty man slammed the separation window with the gun. That was all it took. The car leapt into traffic and began weaving through the rest of the cars. As soon as they were moving he released Kaylie’s arm and she backed up against the far door.

            She wanted out of the car and away from this lunatic. Looking at him horrified her but she found that she couldn’t look away either. He was chillingly hypnotizing. Every detail of his disgusting image was burning itself into her mind. The way his stringy hair hung in his cold dead eyes. His skin hanging off his pointy cheekbones and streaked with age lines. He appeared in his mid-fifties but also may have been homeless based on the smell of him.

            Stained jeans and black combat boots matched well with the camouflage jacket over what may have once been a white shirt but now had dulled to an ashy gray. Everything had holes and reeked of urine and exhaust. His large hands were scarred and the black nails held the gun loosely but still had a scary kind of control. She could feel the world flying by outside the cab and finally tore her eyes away from him long enough to see the blur of cars and landscape as they flashed by.

            She peered around the driver and saw that they were only going 40 mph but it felt much faster when watching everything go by. She focused on the passing scenery and the realization dawned on her that they were heading toward her home. Fear washed over her again as she thought about this maniac learning where she lived.

            Her street had been the last instructions given to the driver other than to drive so he must have just instinctually headed there. Thinking fast she tried to figure out if she would be able to outrun the crazy man in her dress or if she would even have the chance to make it out when the driver stopped. And of course what if he didn’t want the driver to stop at all and got mad when he did, what then?

            “Wwwhere are you going?” she stammered.

            “Away.” For a minute that was all, then “taking care of business and going away.”

            “Please let me go. I promise I won’t say anything about you.”

            “Shut up bitch, I don’t care about you.” That was evident from the way he looked through her, like she wasn’t even there. The driver had said nothing but must have heard the exchange because he made an unexpected turn away from her building and headed toward the highway. So far they had only encountered green lights but up ahead there was a stop sign and as he slowed the psycho with the gun erupted.

            “Don’t stop man, it will be the last thing you ever do.”

            “Stop sign sir.” There was a quivering in his voice that gave away his fear.

            “Just drive. Seriously I will kill you. You wouldn’t be the first one tonight .” There was no explanation beyond that. The driver clearly believed him because the speed picked back up and he breezed past the stop sign without a second glance. They were only a block ahead when the night was illuminated with flashing red and blue lights. An officer had witnessed the ignored stop sign and was trying to pull them over. Again the driver began to slow and again the madman hit the window with his gun.

            “Do you really think I am joking? Do Not Stop!” he roared the last part making Kaylie’s heart skip a beat. The sirens started and the driver’s eyes shifted in the rearview mirror. She could see he wanted to risk it and stop for the officer but as the person locked in back with the monster she really hoped he wouldn’t do it.

            “Pull the cab over,” came the blaring command from behind them. “This is the Chicago Police Department. Pull to the side of the road now.”

            “Please sir, I need to pull over for the police. We won’t say anything about you, just let me stop.”

            “No.” He was completely calm but there was no mistaking the tone in his voice. They were coming up to the highway and she was terrified if they got to higher speeds the police might try to spin them out like she had seen on all those car chase shows Garrett loved to watch. She looked out the back window and saw that the lights had multiplied as more officers joined the chase. God, how she wished they could see and hear what was going on inside.

            The demands were coming more and more over the loud speakers. The freeway entrance was getting closer and with every foot the taxi went forward her heart sped up. The driver was trembling and had started to sweat. His white knuckles were shaking on the wheel. She was shaking herself and felt she was pressed so far into the door that she would simply become a part of it.

            The car slowed one more time. The driver had decided to take his chances and let the cops come to the car. She could see the highway entrance at the bottom of the hill they had just crested and was thrilled they weren’t going to end up in the high speed chase she had been envisioning. The crazy guy was sitting there looking at her. This time he was seeing her and the alertness that had come over his face was frightening to say the least. With the nose of the car pointing down toward the highway, the brakes screeched to a halt.

            Without ever taking his eyes off her, he raised the gun and shot the driver behind the right ear. The shot was deafening in the confined space and as the driver slumped forward Kaylie could hear herself screaming. It sounded terrible in her  head but the man with the gun was just smiling. For the first time she saw that he was missing most of his teeth and his wide gummy smile was just as creepy as everything else about him.

            She was shaking worse than ever and felt something sting her eyes, reaching a trembling hand to her face she felt the hot sticky liquid. She looked and saw blood on her fingers. Shifting her eyes for just a second she saw that when he pulled the trigger the window had shattered and while most of it had gone forward to the front seat part of it had blown back at her and cut into her face. 

            There was a pinpoint of wind hitting her and she hesitantly turned away from him long enough to see that the bullet had gone through his head and crashed through the windshield. The wind was coming through the hole and she now was able to see that when the driver fell forward he had hit the gas. They were now barreling toward the on ramp and picking up speed as they rushed downhill.

            The police were following suit, heading down after them. They were still yelling but she could no longer make out the words. The nightmare had taken over and she felt numb. There was no one controlling this rolling deathtrap and they were heading down into Friday night highway traffic. She sat staring out the front of the car and started to cry. She was going to die with this man and she didn’t even know why.

            She heard a loud pop and the car pulled violently to the right. She would have been thrown into the side if she hadn’t planted herself there at the beginning of everything. He tumbled forward and fell into her lap. He pushed himself up and glared out the back. The rumble from a flat tire took over and she realized that the police must have shot out a tire.

            She only had a moment to think about it before the front of the car collided with the sloped shoulder next to the entrance ramp. The car launched into the air and the impact burst the doors open. Kaylie was thrown straight down with a bone jarring force and from her vantage point she saw the car flip onto its left side and then its top as it rolled and slid downhill sending up sparks from pavement. The crunch of metal was terrible and once it settled she tried to get up.

            Her body was in shock and she couldn’t move. The police cars were stopping and she could hear them rushing toward her. Voices all around her were making a murmur but she couldn’t make out any of it. All she knew was that the lunatic with the gun could come for her or the officers at any time. She wanted to yell for them to watch out but she couldn’t make a sound. The darkness was closing in around her.

            Kaylie made one last ditch effort to scream or get up but her body had given up. She could see the blood running across her eye and could feel it all over. Shadows ran all around her and someone was talking to her but it was all just white noise. Goodbye solo she would never perform. Goodbye perfect night that never got the chance to end in Garrett’s arms. Garrett, oh god. Goodbye love of her life, she had loved him and with the thought of never seeing him again her body gave up a single tear. It escaped her eye and coursed through the blood and dirt on her cheek making a single clean streak as the blackness took over.