Sitting in my office I have been looking around as I work, albeit slowly, to reorganize the room and create a more functional space. I have files piled up. A few of them sit on the desk because I am actively working on them. These include Breathe, Welcome to Syn and Sharing Strength. At the same time I have my white board hanging on my wall above the desk with all four of my charity book editions outlined. I keep all of my files updated, create song lists and take notes from research, I add pictures and fill in the character bios. I am always looking something up or adding just one more detail here and there.
I also have the pile of next projects. Some are ideas for Nanowrimo books I will get to write year after year while others are plot bunnies that held me against my will until I outlined a book. I have a number of books waiting in the wings filled with characters that are chatty. They all speak up and try to be the one to grab my attention whenever I have a lull working on my current novels. There have been many days that I will sit down to work on Sharing Strength yet I find myself listening to the nattering of characters from books not yet started.
Sharing Strength itself along with the novella prequel Survivor I shy away from for personal issues. Being that both are about PTSD which for anyone that has read this blog previously is aware that I was diagnosed with ten years ago. Survivor is even more intense seeing as how it is based on my own experiences. This is I believe why I have been dragging my feet so much completing the projects, I am scared.
When I finished the first draft of Survivor I was sent to the hospital with my first extreme anxiety attack in years. The nightmares and flashbacks began to inhabit my life all over again. I cried for what seemed like no reason and I couldn't begin to work on anything book that was even close in subject matter. It consumed my life just as it had a decade ago. This is not the only fear I have been hiding from however.
I know that the reason I research several books at once and write a chapter here and an outline there is because I am also terrified of finishing something. All of my personal doubts come to the surface just considering it. What if the book isn't good enough? What if I can never get it published? What if I self publish and no one likes it? What if I am just not talented enough to be a writer? All of these thoughts flood through me every time I open up a document to work.
My friends and family reassure me but the voice in my head never stops. I push on because I have spent ten years learning how to but that doesn't make it easy. I know there are others out there that have the same reservations. And like me they see people constantly publishing and getting new likes and followers in social media. they recognize the flood of reviews other authors seem to gain so easily. The envy I feel at not having the reach and success I have dreamt of is mere fuel to the fire as I keep pushing but it is the nagging voice of mediocrity that I succumb to when I falter. I vow however to push until I have nothing left and face my fears with the support of my friends and family in order to keep pursuing my dreams and I hope that everyone out there facing their own demons will continue to fight as well