Dealing With Depression

 One of the most difficult things since being diagnosed with PTSD nearly two decades ago is the interruption of daily life by anxiety filled mood swings that come on at the drop of a hat. I will be perfectly fine, or at least mostly so, and life is moving along but out of nowhere I am assaulted by such intense emotions I feel like I am falling away from life and into a dark hole. There are any number of things that can trigger a meltdown of this caliber, one of the most difficult for me is having it come from an honest place of someone I care about, telling me a truth I am not wanting to hear.

I have been under stress recently because of an injury I suffered. I don't know how I did it but I managed to have a bulging disc in my neck and, when doing the x-ray on that, the doctors discovered a stress fracture as well. It is possible the stress fracture is the result of an injury nearly twenty years ago but until we know for sure I have been down for the count as far as training goes for my bike ride. I am also in such immense pain I have been unable to work which is putting a fair amount of stress on me financially. That part I will bounce back from but it is still there in the forefront of my mind at the moment. It was while discussing the fact I had to leave today that I encountered the conversation that threw me for the emotional loop I am just now bringing back under control.

I expressed my pain and the need to leave, unable to power through my day and was told this makes the person, someone who I count on for support, very nervous and concerned. Of course the money issues are there but the fact I am taking on essentially the Tour de France without being in anywhere near the condition those athletes are and now I am unable to train  which makes it feel that I am not going to be able to complete such a monumental task.

I have yet to raise any money for the charities I am hoping to support and create awareness for. I have not achieved the level of physical training I need in order for my body to survive this type of ride. I am not creating the social media content needed to help promote this adventure nor have I gotten this blog or my newsletter consistent enough to make the impact I need to raise this kind of money and awareness. There are so many things I need to do and improve upon and I know all of them and have been concerned about making it happen. But to hear it thrown in my face as a reason to not believe in me and have a voice given to the fears I have been trying to overcome and suppress has made it so real I came home and cried.

This feeling of being overwhelmed is not new. What is new for me is the determination to overcome it and prove the naysayers wrong and that I am strong enough to be the face of myself and those like me who feel like they are drowning but are in fact strong enough to pull through. I have always let myself be pulled under and been willing to give up but this is too important to me and the first time I have had the inner strength to dedicate myself to moving forward. I know there are so many ways I still need to improve and I need to increase my training to a dedication level I have never had before. But I am not just doing this for myself. I am doing this to help those who stand on the precipice of the abyss, crying and feeling abandoned, needing to see someone out there showing them they are seen, they are loved, and they are not alone.

New Platforms

 Recently I had a meeting with a marketing firm and the owner asked if I was on TikTok. I told him no and he immediately told me I was doing things wrong and had to be on there if I wanted to make any impact or attract followers / supporters. I explained I looked into it but hadn't found it to be the right platform for me. I struggle to think of things to write in a quick Facebook post on any sort of regular basis, I forget Twitter exists unless someone new follows me or comments on something that Facebook automatically shared. Instagram is something I check and try to remember but I fail to think of content there just like with anywhere else. And let's just forget about LinkedIn.

It got me thinking though, what platforms do you use and how do you use them? I originally joined Facebook while doing volunteer work overseas. I met so many people that I wanted to stay in touch with and being able to chat online was essential as overseas calls and texts were still expensive at that point. I managed to stay on just Facebook and enjoyed playing games or talking to my new friends or those I reconnected with from my past. It was several years before I considered adding any other types of social media but when I published my first book I was pushed to join Twitter as well. Thankfully you can connect them so posting to one will show up on both. Even now though, I still struggle to be consistent.

I added Instagram just a couple years ago and at first I was doing well adding pictures but that tapered off like everything else as I realized I am not very good at remembering to take pictures when I go out and do things. Even though I do use Instagram for pictures I have rarely, if ever now that I really think about it, added any videos.

I would love to do more of the Youtube type of videos but I don't know how to edit and have no idea what would make for captivating content. For those of you who have been on, or still are on, multiple platforms, especially TikTok or Youtube, what has been your experience? Are they easy to use? To learn? And where do you go to learn such skills?

More Fun With Friends

 Last weekend the annual Tour de Palm Springs took place in California. The picture shows the two guys I travelled with and me in the front but in the background you can see just a small portion of the riders who took to the course with us. The event was to raise money and say thank you to first responders and veterans. We all came together to take on a variety of distances and see the incredible scenery. 

In just over seven months I will leaving for the longest bike ride and most amazing adventure of my life. While covering the miles of Route 66 I will be the only rider but as I train I love to have my friends join me. From riding through Red Rock Canyon to checking out Lake Mead while riding the River Mountain Loop Trail, we explore together any time we can. It is a blast to stop and take pictures, chat through the miles and encourage each other up hill climbs and through difficult stretches. Having that support can be the difference when taking on a challenge like some of the longer distances we have been riding lately.

Support is everything. While completing Ride 22 On 66 I will technically be riding alone. But in a much larger sense I won't be alone at all. I am the only cyclist doing the actual riding but I have my chase driver, my wonderful mom, who will be out there with me. She will not only drive the car with my extra food, gear, and bikes, but she will be my constant companion when the miles add up and the days start to wear on my body and mind. There is a joy to being on my bike but the distances I have to travel each day in order to cover the complete course in just twenty two days is daunting to say the least. Having her there will be a needed boost on many days I'm sure.

There is also an incredible team working with me from across the country to make this happen. From my author friends helping promote the books that inspired the ride, to cyclists I've met along the different training routes I cover, to the friends helping with marketing and PR to get the word out about the fundraiser to help the charities so near and dear to my heart; I have so many friends that have stepped up to be a part of this I know I am not even close to being alone. 

And that is a big part of the symbolism with the ride. So many times when we feel overwhelmed, our anxiety gets too strong, or we are breaking down, we feel like no one will understand us and we are stranded all alone to deal with things. I felt that way after my PTSD diagnosis years ago and I still get panic attacks that can make me feel isolated. But in my heart I know, even if I can't see them all the time, there are people with me. I am never alone. I am riding for those like me. The ones who feel alone, abandoned, afraid, and without hope. Those that feel like they are falling apart and there is no path forward. I see you. I hear your cries and feel your heartbreak. I know it can seem dark in the tunnel but if you can't see the bigger light at the end of it at least look for the lights of my bike. I am riding for you and I will always have my lights shining bright to show you there is someone who cares, even in the dark.

For more information, please visit. https://www.writingforces.com/ride-22-on-66

Prepping For Palm Springs

 With my adventure coming up in just months now, I am working on training. I exercise almost everyday and try to take part in rides when available in order to see how my current equipment is working, any adjustments that need to be made, and additional training to put into the regiment.

This weekend I will be in Palm Springs, CA taking part in Tour de Palm Springs. It looks to be a beautiful ride with only a couple of challenging climbs. I am looking forward to it and am excited a couple members of my team will be there to share the ride. Depending on the course and terrain, any distance has the possibility of being a challenge. While my last ride I did a century (100+ miles) this time I will only be doing the 51 mile course. There are time constraints this time I need to take into consideration. 

One thing I have noticed to be a challenge for training is the weather, or lack of it, in my lovely Las Vegas.  Ride 22 On 66 will take place over the course of 22 days and will take me from Chicago to Santa Monica. There is a vast variety of terrain, weather, and riding conditions I will face and finding a way to train for that is difficult. For one thing, the dessert doesn't have a lot of humidity, or bugs. People laugh at me when I bring up the second part, but for me it is the bigger issue. I have been away from mosquitoes and most other insects for years now. I am not used to them buzzing in my ears and flying around my face which can be extremely distracting. I am hoping in the next couple months to make some trips up to Utah and find more humidity and hopefully areas with bugs to give me a chance to practice with them.

Winds are another concern. I intend to ride unless the wind speed reaches a dangerous level (30mph sustained, or 50mph gusts). These winds are not common out here. We get 15-20mph days and I try to get out on the bike when we do but they are hard to predict. 

Along with having a rough time practicing in strong winds, it is understandably frustrating to find driving rain to ride in. Even on the rare occasions we do experience precipitation, it is usually light and extremely short lived. I don't have to deal with flooded gutters, water lashing at my face, or riding while soaked to the bone. However, the midwest states especially, and most of the eastern has of the route in general, are locations where any and all of these conditions could come into play. 

So as I increase my resistance on my indoor bike, and take to the streets for practice on the few conditions I can duplicate, I am always looking for ways to take it to the next level and make sure when the time comes I am ready. For now, it is time to load up. Palm Springs, here we come.

Ride 22 On 66

It has been a long time since I sat down to write anything here. Like most I struggled during the shut down. The time away from a job I love was frustrating, the time separated from friends and family was devastating. So many people fought anxiety, depression, and fear as they made their way through the trials of 2020 and even last year in 2021. I was no different.

I am fortunate enough to have close friends and a loving family that have stood by my side through the rough times and they can all tell you how hard it was to make it this far. One of the things that kept me focused and moving forward was my book series, Sharing Strength. From the beginning of the shut down up until last September I have worked diligently to finish the last three books in the series. Crash came first, released May 6th 2020. That was followed by Combat, released on February 27th, 2021. And finally Sharing Strength was published on August 8th, 2021 and we held the official launch party September 18th kicking off the countdown to what will be the adventure of a lifetime, Ride 22 On 66.

All five of the books in the series; Survivor, Fish, Crash, Combat, and Sharing Strength have charities connected to them. 

Survivor - National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Fish - RAINN - Rape Abuse Incest National Network

Crash - The Code Green Campaign

Combat - Mission 22

Sharing Strength - National Suicide Prevention Hotline

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 22 years old and over the past 9.5 years I have discovered cycling as a wonderful therapy when I am stressed and I designed a way to use this to try and help these organizations that do so much for people like me. 

On September 22nd of this year I will be riding from Chicago, IL to Santa Monica, CA along Route 66 over the course of 22 days. I am riding for those who are struggling, those like me who feel they are alone sometimes and need to know they're not. I will be raising money through a GoFundMe page and the total raised will be divided equally between the 5 charities. I will chronicle my training and ride adventures here as well as through the Facebook page created for the event. I also have a page on my website I will be updating throughout the journey. I hope you will follow along as this adventure gets closer and if you would like more information I will have charity information on my website.

www.writingforces.com

 

Dealing With Doubt

One of the most frustrating things for many writers I know is the overwhelming sense of insecurity they have about their own work. They are the epitome of the statement one's own worst critic. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to focus, put words down on paper (or screen), and write a story beginning to end. The self doubt and nagging suspicion nothing is going to be good enough can be paralyzing. It has been a large part of why each of my books has taken so long to be published.

Never Give Up was written over the course of eight years. The first chapter was written in a single day but then nothing happened for a year and a half as I was gripped with a stomach churning fear of rejection. I picked at the manuscript for years until I dedicated myself to Nanowrimo one year and pushed through to the end. It still took me another two and a half years before it went to publish however. Between editing, allowing a beta reader to see it (yikes!), and submitting to agents I was woefully ill prepared for, it was a long process. Then I had to fight that little voice inside that said to run and hide at every new turn. My heart would race, my palms were sweating, and my stomach was in knots no matter what step I was on. The day I hit publish I cried happy tears while chugging Pepto.

When that book was done I faced another major fear. What if that was the only story I ever came up with? How was I supposed to be an author if everything I had went into just one book? Once again my fear was staggering. Later that year I was hit with inspiration for what would become the second book I would write but seventh I would publish. In fact, to date I have only published four. The fifth is with my editor, the sixth is being written even now, and the seventh will be released next year at a specially planned event.

Publishing Never Give Up was extremely important to me. It was the culmination of years of work and proved I had the ability to face my fears. It was still a long time before I felt I could do it again though. The second book I published was Survivor. This book was even worse when it came to doubt and, at one point, self destructive coping methods. Telling such a personal story was mortifying and something I attempted to back out of several times. Ultimately it was the belief that what I was sharing was more important than my fears that pushed me through. Fish, Crash, Combat, and eventually Sharing Strength all have that same belief behind them. These are stories I needed to write.

I have yet another project, somewhat writing related, that is currently taking about 70% of my time and nearly all of my concentration. It is at a level of second guessing, doubting, and nerves that I feel like I am dead in the water. I am fortunate that I have a strong team around me to keep me going. When it comes to handling the doubt in my life I turn to them and ask myself if not moving forward will bring more regret than my current fear. How do you deal with doubt?

Learning Something New

The past couple days have been about watching shows and movies about military missions, particularly in the Middle East. The next book in the series is called Combat and centers around deployed Army soldiers serving in Afghanistan. The first three books so far have covered issues such as domestic abuse, sexual assault / bullying, and survivor's guilt. Sadly because of my experiences there was no reason to look deeper or further research on any of those subjects. I know all of them well.

I have never felt the sting of a bullet grazing my skin, or worse, punching a hole through my body. I've never attempted to keep my wits about me in the middle of chaos like a firefight. There hasn't been a time I've been given orders that would put my life or the lives of others I'm responsible for in danger and been required to obey anyway. On top of those I haven't felt the heat of the Arabian desert or the wind burying sand in my pores. I have no idea what vehicles the military drives or what may have been modified by the enemy. The types of weapons used on both sides are unfamiliar as are the rankings of the U.S. Army. 

I chose these shows and movies because they give me a sense of what buildings look like and how the members of a team may communicate with one another. I can get an idea of complications that may arise during a mission I would never have thought of without the research. These shows also use language from military sources. 

There are always going to be things I have to create in a book but I want to make sure the story is as authentic as I have the ability to make it. The relationship between the soldiers will be no problem and the feeling behind the situations are something I can relate to, it is the navigating through the streets and military actions I would struggle to recreate. These are the reasons I am watching the shows and movies. I know so many people who would say you can't get a real experience by watching scripted television and for the most part I agree. However, short of jumping on a plane to Afghanistan in the middle of a global pandemic, it's what I have to work with.

I'm curious, what is the most interesting or difficult thing you have ever researched and what method(s) did you use? Was it effective? What would you change for the next time?