One of the most difficult things since being diagnosed with PTSD nearly two decades ago is the interruption of daily life by anxiety filled mood swings that come on at the drop of a hat. I will be perfectly fine, or at least mostly so, and life is moving along but out of nowhere I am assaulted by such intense emotions I feel like I am falling away from life and into a dark hole. There are any number of things that can trigger a meltdown of this caliber, one of the most difficult for me is having it come from an honest place of someone I care about, telling me a truth I am not wanting to hear.
I have been under stress recently because of an injury I suffered. I don't know how I did it but I managed to have a bulging disc in my neck and, when doing the x-ray on that, the doctors discovered a stress fracture as well. It is possible the stress fracture is the result of an injury nearly twenty years ago but until we know for sure I have been down for the count as far as training goes for my bike ride. I am also in such immense pain I have been unable to work which is putting a fair amount of stress on me financially. That part I will bounce back from but it is still there in the forefront of my mind at the moment. It was while discussing the fact I had to leave today that I encountered the conversation that threw me for the emotional loop I am just now bringing back under control.
I expressed my pain and the need to leave, unable to power through my day and was told this makes the person, someone who I count on for support, very nervous and concerned. Of course the money issues are there but the fact I am taking on essentially the Tour de France without being in anywhere near the condition those athletes are and now I am unable to train which makes it feel that I am not going to be able to complete such a monumental task.
I have yet to raise any money for the charities I am hoping to support and create awareness for. I have not achieved the level of physical training I need in order for my body to survive this type of ride. I am not creating the social media content needed to help promote this adventure nor have I gotten this blog or my newsletter consistent enough to make the impact I need to raise this kind of money and awareness. There are so many things I need to do and improve upon and I know all of them and have been concerned about making it happen. But to hear it thrown in my face as a reason to not believe in me and have a voice given to the fears I have been trying to overcome and suppress has made it so real I came home and cried.
This feeling of being overwhelmed is not new. What is new for me is the determination to overcome it and prove the naysayers wrong and that I am strong enough to be the face of myself and those like me who feel like they are drowning but are in fact strong enough to pull through. I have always let myself be pulled under and been willing to give up but this is too important to me and the first time I have had the inner strength to dedicate myself to moving forward. I know there are so many ways I still need to improve and I need to increase my training to a dedication level I have never had before. But I am not just doing this for myself. I am doing this to help those who stand on the precipice of the abyss, crying and feeling abandoned, needing to see someone out there showing them they are seen, they are loved, and they are not alone.
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