Trying To Be Brave

For the last few weeks I have been navigating the jungle of newsletters and the delivery services available for people on a budget like myself. I am thankful I finally found one simple enough to understand and this afternoon I sent out a few test emails with positive feedback. Now I am preparing to begin sending out the monthly newsletters in a week.

It's strange that I spend all day, everyday talking to people and yet when it comes to writing a newsletter or sharing my thoughts here I find myself at a loss. I wonder sometimes if it is an odd form of stage fright. Much like a person can entertain friends in their home but when asked to make a presentation in class or at work they struggle to articulate what is happening in their minds. I don't have trouble finding words to write but I worry about the ones I choose and the topics I cover. I find myself stressing over every decision and obsessing over each potential inclusion.

Artists of all sorts tend to be an insecure bunch. Many are extremely introverted, avoiding human contact to varying levels. They are constant need of reassurance in order to believe they and their work are appreciated and desired. At times there is professional or even personal jealousies interfering with their ability to function at a normal level. I have seen authors shut down completely because they couldn't handle the idea of going out to deal with readers and critics. They openly complained about their concern someone else was playing the writing game better.

Personally I have shades of these but I do my best to reign them in. For one thing I am not introverted or anti-social in the least. I have been called a social butterfly weekly since I was a child. When it comes to speaking to crowds and striking up a conversation with perfect strangers I feel no hesitation at all. I do not vocalize often when I am jealous but I do tend to get depressed slightly when things seem easier for another author and I am struggling to understand something simple. I keep most concerns inside for the most part in order to portray the image I want the public to see.

I am insecure. That is the biggest trait I share with other artists. My newsletter is just the most recent example of something for me to worry about. Every time I publish something, whether it is a blog post or full length novel, I am exposing myself to the world and its lack of filters. Other people and their opinions may not shape my personal life but they can break me professionally. I have developed a rather thick skin from my day job but a negative review still has the power to pierce that armor. I guess I still have some more growing to do.