In Honor Of St. Patrick's Day

While I am a writer and that means the world to me, I am also a casino dealer in my daytime life. This is the job that pays the bills and I enjoy it immensely. Last year for a March anthology all about luck I put together a simple playful poem about luck and a tip of the cap tribute to my alter ego of dealer. I hope everyone enjoys it and has a great St. Patty's Day!

I Deal In Luck

He walked up to roulette

And laid the money down

The crowd looked on in interest

Watching without a sound

The dealer made the change

And slid the chips back

He took a big chance

And put it all on black

The ball spun quickly

Shortly after it began to drop

Everyone held their breath

Until it came to a stop

Seventeen caught it

It nearly jumped out but it stayed

The audience cheered

As his bet was paid

He gathered his chips

It was now quite a stack

Then made his way over

To play some blackjack

He went all in on one hand

As up came an ace

Those rooting him on applauded

When the next card had a face

Finally he made his way to my table

Prepared to wager it all

He smiled at the man rolling

He was having a ball

The dice rolled across the layout

Ricocheted  back and fell

The stickman called the number

And from his grin you could tell

He had come for the chance

Now the cashier called his name

He had the time of his life

Every game was his game

He winked as he tipped the dealers

Gave a high five while he colored up

I knew my job had a happy ending that night

Every day I deal in Luck

Pushing Forward

A few days ago I posted about my personal feelings regarding a much loved and truly missed icon Sir Terry Pratchett. I shared a few quotes and talked about how they had been a part of my inspiration but there was one quote that as I have been struggling with a few stories recently became more and more important to me.

"If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone else’s story." 

Because of the extremely personal nature of Survivor and Sharing Strength I have fought with writing them for months. Both contain the same character, Jasmine, and while Survivor is exclusively her story which happens to also be my story, they explain and examine Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and my experience with the diagnosis. 

It has been tragically difficult to face my own past and the path the characters all must take. I have to keep true to the incidents that led to their diagnosis of PTSD. I have wanted to give up on both stories numerous times but I feel I owe it to the characters as well as those that may read the books and be able to understand that they are truly not alone. 

I felt alone and a stranger in my own body for years and I have just recently, about five years ago in fact, begun to finally move forward and find a way to love myself again. Yes I still hear the internal voices daily that tell me I cannot do it but I know there are others that hear those voices and push on so I do the same. 

I read this quote and it struck me deeply that this is my story to tell and the characters my books chose me as their medium to tell the stories they have to share. I cannot let them down and I take comfort in seeing the motivating words of those I have looked up to my entire life. We all deal with set backs, traumas and insecurities but like Sir Terry Pratchett inspired me to push forward with my own projects I hope someday to show others that it is all worth it to hang on when things get hard. I hope my dedication and the motivation I have taken from others words will inspire those around me someday to help others keep trying as well.

Saying Goodbye To A Legend

"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods. They have not forgotten this."

I first read this quote a mere year ago and laughed so hard I was reduced to tears. It so eloquently described my four little monsters and as they lay there sun bathing I reflected on the simple honesty represented by the statement. Some people have an ability to state things with such elegant simplicity that I find myself constantly entertained as well as inspired.

Terry Pratchett was a hero to many in the literary world, myself included. I first became familiar with his work my junior year of high school. I was taking a Korean class at the local university and studied with one of the teachers who worked with me during a study hall and reading class he also taught. One day he was gone and the substitute insisted that I find a book from the cabinet and read like the rest of the students.

I looked through the stacks eventually coming across a dusty book in the back with a lime green and royal purple cover that simply said "The Truth". I had never heard of Terry Pratchett nor I was remotely familiar with the Discworld. It took me a few weeks to get really into the book but once I reached the end of the book I knew I had to find others by the same author. I began looking through book stores and finally found a section of his work. There were dozens.

He made me laugh with every book I read. I felt deeply for a number of characters and have gotten to know them through my continued visits to the Disc as I explored novel after novel. He had a way of drawing you into his unique perspective and taking you on a journey that could change the way you see things once you finished.

"It is well known that a vital ingredient of success is not knowing that what you're attempting can't be done."

He never accepted that there were people out there that believed he wasn't going to be able to do whatever he wanted. This is something I am working to implement in my own life. I have fought against my fears and insecurities for years but taking this quote to heart I hope to find the ability to measure up to his inspiration and use the motivation of walking in the footsteps of one of my heroes. It is not that I want to walk his path, I have my own goals and directions but instead I want to take Sir Terry Pratchett along with me in my heart.

"It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life."

He lived a full life. I like much of the world am devastated by the loss of him and his unmatched mind. His mind however was leaving him as he suffered through Alzheimers. He passed away surrounded by those he loved, including his cat, and he is no longer having to fight. He will never be forgotten and his words will inspire for generations. He was my hero, a literary legend and he will be greatly missed.

Fighting Through Fear

Sitting in my office I have been looking around as I work, albeit slowly, to reorganize the room and create a more functional space. I have files piled up. A few of them sit on the desk because I am actively working on them. These include Breathe, Welcome to Syn and Sharing Strength. At the same time I have my white board hanging on my wall above the desk with all four of my charity book editions outlined. I keep all of my files updated, create song lists and take notes from research, I add pictures and fill in the character bios. I am always looking something up or adding just one more detail here and there.

I also have the pile of next projects. Some are ideas for Nanowrimo books I will get to write year after year while others are plot bunnies that held me against my will until I outlined a book. I have a number of books waiting in the wings filled with characters that are chatty. They all speak up and try to be the one to grab my attention whenever I have a lull working on my current novels. There have been many days that I will sit down to work on Sharing Strength yet I find myself listening to the nattering of characters from books not yet started.

Sharing Strength itself along with the novella prequel Survivor I shy away from for personal issues. Being that both are about PTSD which for anyone that has read this blog previously is aware that I was diagnosed with ten years ago. Survivor is even more intense seeing as how it is based on my own experiences. This is I believe why I have been dragging my feet so much completing the projects, I am scared.

When I finished the first draft of Survivor I was sent to the hospital with my first extreme anxiety attack in years. The nightmares and flashbacks began to inhabit my life all over again. I cried for what seemed like no reason and I couldn't begin to work on anything book that was even close in subject matter. It consumed my life just as it had a decade ago. This is not the only fear I have been hiding from however.

I know that the reason I research several books at once and write a chapter here and an outline there is because I am also terrified of finishing something. All of my personal doubts come to the surface just considering it. What if the book isn't good enough? What if I can never get it published? What if I self publish and no one likes it? What if I am just not talented enough to be a writer? All of these thoughts flood through me every time I open up a document to work.

My friends and family reassure me but the voice in my head never stops. I push on because I have spent ten years learning how to but that doesn't make it easy. I know there are others out there that have the same reservations. And like me they see people constantly publishing and getting new likes and followers in social media. they recognize the flood of reviews other authors seem to gain so easily. The envy I feel at not having the reach and success I have dreamt of is mere fuel to the fire as I keep pushing but it is the nagging voice of mediocrity that I succumb to when I falter. I vow however to push until I have nothing left and face my fears with the support of my friends and family in order to keep pursuing my dreams and I hope that everyone out there facing their own demons will continue to fight as well

Lacking Motivation

My plans for the day have been changed due to the unexpected dying of the battery on my car. I had the itinerary prepared for the DMV, hitting the gym, running a few errands and straightening the house before retiring to the office for some dedicated writing time. With the change in plans I find that my mind has also wandered and is no longer focusing making completing the parts of the day I am still able to much more difficult.

I can still straighten the ouse though I seem to be exhausted even though I did sleep somewhat well. I am able to change my office around if I want but cannot find the motivation for the project. And of course I can easily sit and write but the characters are silent under protest to the change in my timeline. I badly need to finish revising Breathe and get survivor on the active project list. I need to create my list of agents for submission once Breathe is ready to go. I want to finally complete the first draft of Sharing Strength and I am truly looking forward to a few of my upcoming projects as well.

In order to move from one book to the next I am trying desperately to finish them as I go instead of a chapter here and a few new pages there but it seems all I can do right now is lay on the couch and nap or read. It is so frustrating because I am honestly excited about getting to the new books, especially this new erotic tale of revenge and romance. I am creating a playlist to go along with it and though I had planned to work on other books first this one is quickly moving to the front of the line.

I just need the motivation I am so clearly lacking to find me and stick around for awhile. Breathe needs to get done so that I can submit it to the agents because I believe it has a decent chance of finding acceptance and while I enjoy being an indie author being traditionally published has always been a dream of mine. Sharing Strength is another that I think can make it in the traditional world but for my erotica and my thriller I may stick with indie publishing. I am undecided where to go with Welcome to Syn but it is fun and I am looking forward to the continuing adventures of the Syntel sisters.

Today however is just about motivating myself to accomplishing something so I am posting a picture from when I first moved to Las Vegas and was writing in my messy office. I am hoping the the visual of myself busy creating will inspire the same actions for the day. What do you do to inspire yourself to accomplish your goals?

Learning About My New Project

I have been doing the domestic thing today. I ran a few errands, cleaned up the house and made my way to the gym for a difficult but effective workout. I came home and helped make dinner before going out for a fun date night with my boyfriend. Now as I am sitting here beginning today's blog post I can feel the writer fighting to come out.

All day I have been feeding the other sides of me. I am thrilled to be able to indulge my alternate personalities but now as the night falls and the creative juices being to flow I find that all I can focus on is the erotic new dark novel I was considering yesterday. Just as I settled down my brain came alive letting me in on a few details I was unaware of previously.

I have learned in the past couple of hours that the main character is a woman that fell in love with a man that broke her heart and in the process of revenge slept with a man that actually cared for her. When he discovered that she had merely used him he finds a way to curse her causing her to become a siren exiled to the ocean. She is in fact part water nymph and can only maintain her human side by seducing men and stealing their life essence.

She is bent on finding the man that cursed her. Her name eludes me as does her ultimate accomplishment in the story. I have not connected with the men in the story yet either but I can feel everything about her. She is in deep pain, first from the broken heart and then from the curse. She feels an erotic yearning that she fights hard to keep under control yet at the same time it is also has to keep her human side alive. The nymph should be a peaceful side but it threatens to overpower her human half and pull her away into the sea forever. While she was in love and believed she was loved back her heart was strong and she was able to stay human but when he discovered her true nature and left her she fell apart.

She now is fighting a losing battle against her water side and must find true love before she loses control and in turn loses herself. She may be a beautiful siren but she wants so much more. She wants to gain her revenge and make her human half the dominant part of her. In order for any of that to happen she must find someone that truly loves her before there is nothing left to love. I cannot wait to learn more about her.

New Idea, New Inspiration

I have been away from my blog for awhile but I have still been trying to be productive. I have been writing and revising when I can. I worked with my trainer at the gym to create a quick and highly effective exercise regiment. I am even redesigning my office to be more conducive to writing. I have several files currently sitting on my desk and when I get everything set up tomorrow I will be able to access what I am working on much easier.

Thinking about my files I am always surprised by how many projects I have. Not only the ones currently in the works of which I currently have nine, four charity books, four novels and a short story I am working to expand, but also the ones waiting in the wings to be written next. Along with creating files on my computer I always keep a file folder full of notes, song lists, pictures and a checklist of information for each book I am working on or planning to in the near future. It helps to have the ability to grab an outline and the checklist in case I am able to capture some information I can use at a later time.

Today as I was driving to to work I had to grab a notepad to jot down ideas for yet another book idea. I was listening to the radio and hit the scan button. A station I rarely play came on and a song was playing that had a hardcore beat and very strong lyrics. While I enjoy loving romantic songs with sensual melodies I found the raw sexuality of the song enticing. It made my mind wander to other songs that have had that effect on me and I realized that there are several song when i listen to them either the lyrics or the music, sometimes both, have a carnal magnetism that I can feel running through my veins.

This sensation is what triggered the need for the notepad. I was struck by the idea to create a playlist of these songs and let the desire flow. I plan to use the inspiration and the sexual energy to try my hand at my first erotica. I have done clean romance novels before but I have been dabbling with darker genres such as suspense, drama, thriller and now I would like to work on using the animal level of sexual desire to create an intriguing tale. I have never been so explicit in my writing opting instead for romance and clean scenes but I am still working to push myself to try new things and see where my voice ends up taking me.

It got me wondering, do others continue to push themselves argots stay in a happy home of comfortable genres? Is music as much of an inspiration for others to create as it is for me? And most of all when trying new genres or ideas how much do you emerge yourself in what you are writing about and how much is either research or imagination?