Monday, March 23, 2020

Trying Too Hard

Like most of the country (and many places around the world) my beautiful Las Vegas is on lockdown. Yes I can go for a hike, run or bike ride. I still make periodic trips to the grocery store, but I can' have coffee with a friend at a local coffee shop and for reasons of keeping exposure low I shouldn't even be having coffee at my house or theirs. As a super social person, both from a natural one to be around people as well as an anxiety driven need to not be alone, this is driving me crazy.

It has, however, given me time to reflect on myself some and there are things I am both proud of and irritated by that I have since discovered. One of the biggest understandings I have come to about myself is I tend to overthink and try too hard the it comes to many situations. Yes there are a number of people who cold say that but I am concerns with addressing these issues in myself at the moment. Perhaps if I find a path forward then I can discuss my methods with others dealing with the same types of issues. If not, then at least I was able to make some positive changes in myself.

When it comes to how I had this realization there are a number of things that came to mind first. I am overly ambitious. When I take on a project it is usually something that makes people look at me like I've lost my mind. They aren't always wrong. Because of that there is always a very real possibility I will fall on my face. However, to quote so many of the players on my table at work, go big or go home. When I took on my first distance bike ride I didn't sign up for the 17 mile ride which would have been the shortest distance, I took on the 60 (which later got rerouted to 72) mile ride and nearly killed myself. I trained but not enough and had no idea what I was doing. My clothes, supplements, water, everything was lacking. But I found out the camaraderie of the riders was unparalleled and they helped me finish what I started that day.

When I say I want to lose a little weight I don't set my sights on just dropping 5-10 pounds, I instead set my sights on doing a boudoir photo shoot within 6 months and begin contacting photographers and looking into poses / makeup / clothing I will need to acquire for such a shoot.

This is where my overthinking and trying too hard comes in. I am a natural flirt. It is part of my job as a dealer and something I have no problem doing. Yet, when faced with the idea of trying to be sexy for the camera, I freeze. I think, can someone learn to be sexy? I wonder, are there classes I can take? I look at myself in the mirror and all of my personal insecurities come screaming to the forefront.

I do the same thing with writing. I try so hard to have a public image that is "right". I stress about the idea of going live on Facebook, even though everyone knows I have no problem talking someone's ear off. I feel like I don't have anything entertaining to say and nobody would bother watching anyway. I spent years believing I was nothing unless a certain person gave me approval. There is a part of me that still fights his voice everyday and wants to prove him wrong.

I am closing in on 40 years old and a lot of the things I want to do I am far above the generally accepted age to begin, or even end, but I am at the point where I feel it is better to put myself out there and at least try. I just need to swallow my fears, tell that stupid voice to shut the hell up and trust that who I am and what I am truly is enough. If I want to do a sexy photo shoot, I should and just enjoy the experience. If I want to do distance cycling I should start pedaling and see how far I can go. When I write I need to stay true to my voice and believe I have a message that will resonate with someone out there. If I want to go live I should be happy even if it ends up being nothing more than a couple friends keeping me company. I have always been guilty of overthinking and I am using this time to work on that and try to just be proud of who I am.

How are you dealing with the house arrest? Have you had any epiphanies?

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