Writing Raw

Recently I read a book called Broken by Angela B. Chrysler. It is unnerving to read a book about abuse. Knowing the story is based on true events can make it even more difficult. For me though, the most difficult part in getting through the book was recognizing myself in the pages. I have written many times about being a survivor of domestic violence. My torture was more psychological than anything but there were elements of physical abuse intermingled with the emotional agony.

The one thing he never did personally was sexually assault me. Though it has happened by others, and being in the situations that led to it were a direct result of what he made me believe about myself, he chose to use sex as another method of psychological manipulation as he cheated on me over and over with other girls, making sure I knew he was choosing them over me because I wasn't good enough. I saw those same themes reflected in the words of Broken. I saw the same phrases I have said myself put out there for everyone to see. The level of raw, painful emotion dripping from that book is unimaginable if you haven't lived through at least parts of it.

In the introduction to the story she takes a moment to explain why she wrote the book. She is upfront about the reality of the story behind the words and even advises that if you have a similar experience you may want to speak with a therapist before going forward. I did. I thought I was prepared for the subject. I had weekly appointments to talk to my therapist, in fact, but it wasn't the subject I ended up having difficulty with, it was the description.

I have my own book, Survivor, which covers the same topic of domestic abuse. When I wrote it I struggled with nightmares and flashbacks, forcing my mind to confront things from my past I had successfully buried. I battled everyday with my memories, surprising my frustrations and pain in order to share my story. Survivor is the fictionalized version of what happened to me but it was real every single day for me.

Having read Broken now I understand just how reserved I was when it comes to the graphic details. Survivor is significantly more watered down than Broken and I have had to stop and think about why I did that. First and foremost I don't believe it was a conscious decision. I have never been a writer that tackled graphic, dark subjects not to mention I think I was trying to protect my own mental well being. When then entire series is finished I may go back to try rewriting Survivor with more honest emotions.

I am working on researching and drafting the other three novellas in the Sharing Strength series. It is my dear hope that I am able to take inspiration from Broken and use more imagery honest to the scenario. I want the books to ring as true for those who have experiences like those covered in the books to feel that connection I felt while reading Broken. They are hard books to read, even more difficult to write and face as a situation that causes these types of pain and anxiety but it is important to me to shine a light on such subjects. I just need to increase my own therapy appointments and make sure I am as honest as possible.