Coming up in two days I will be physically doing something I have spent half my life trying to do emotionally, overcoming obstacles. This Saturday I will be participating in the Badass Dash Obstacle Run in Las Vegas where I live. It is a physical challenge to be sure and honestly not one I am positive I am ready for. It is also however a representative measure of dealing with my PTSD and all of the challenges I have had, those self induced as well as those give to me, in the past sixteen years.
Half my life ago I went through one of the most traumatizing situations of my life. It forces me to to have a disorder I would never wish on anyone. It causes me nightmares and flashbacks I would give anything to escape. It has put a voice in my head that tells me every single day that I can't, I won't and I am not good enough. Life is hard enough to deal with when you don't have a voice inside you making it more difficult, but for those of us that hear that voice I will be representing all of us on Saturday.
I have been training though not as hard as I wanted nor needed for the event but like everything else in my life I have faltered. As I would get into a rhythm at the gym I would have something come up either the ten day flu that kept me tied to my bed or the excuse of needing to write to get caught back up. I not only was held back by some legitimate reasons but I managed to create more to sabotage myself. It was not a conscious decision but it was my doing nonetheless. I have the same issues with my writing.
I finish a novel for Nanowrimo but then I am unable to push past the fear that comes along with the part after. All I have to do is revise it and get it ready to either submit or publish but I am paralyzed by fear of rejection for submitting and of utter failure if I self publish. The voice inside that says I am not good enough really enjoys those moments. The frustrations it causes, the pain of not fulfilling a dream that voice has a party overtime I back down from a goal. Well I am doing my best to fight that voice.
I am finishing the revisions on Breathe and I don't care if I have to submit to a hundred or more agents and publishers I am determined to take the chance for a traditional contract. I will do the same with Sharing Strength. Survivor will be self published and I will hold an incredible event with my other writer friends in order to make it a success. I will get healthier and I will complete my fitness challenges. It is a fight but it is worth it.
For anyone that this may help I am glad. If not I understand we all face our own issues everyday. But for those of you out there that have that voice of doubt and fight against the feelings of fear and frustration that you cannot control. I am running in your honor and every time I take down an obstacle it will be for all of you. It will be our collective strength that will get me across the finish line and though only in spirit I will celebrate with you all at the end.