Changing Perspective

While working on finishing the rewrite on Survivor, my book that is dedicated to those like myself that struggled through an abusive relationship and is also the main reason behind the large scale event I am planning in October, I am also engaged in several other activities. A big one is of course the planning of the event itself but I am also pushing through the high intensity Insanity workout program to keep my mind and body focused and in shape as much as possible. I go to my day job three to four days per week and I am trying to complete a fifty book reading challenge by the end of the year.

For the sake of exercising it is going relatively well. I may miss a day or two here and there from illness or being out of town but push myself as hard as I can and make sure if I miss a day I get right back to it. I also incorporate swimming or yoga at the gym in when I am feel particularly stressed out. The ability of cardio and strength training to resolve anxiety while relaxing the body and giving a sense of accomplishment is a welcome change from the emotions that drove me there in the first place. Because Survivor is such an emotional journey and so difficult to write I imagine I will be spending quite a bit of time there for the next few months.

The struggle is that it is difficult. I have to not only share a story that is extremely painful for me but it takes me back to the moments I escaped, to the situations I buried and to the man that caused them all with every word written. Who he was and what he did to me controlled my life for years and I am fighting to make sure that never happens again. I still hear the voice in my head telling me I am not good enough. It swears I never will accomplish the things I set out to do and am not worthy of feeling good about what I have done. It tries to overwhelm my ambition and sabotage and chances I have for success.

My friends and family tell me that because it was half my life ago that I have carried the voice with me for too long and I need to let it go but for those that have never dealt with that level of manipulation and control by another especially at a critical time in their lives like the developmental teenage years, they cannot possibly understand the depth to which it lives inside. It is not a switch that can easily be turned on and off. It is an entity within me that speaks to me as clearly as anyone in the real world. I battle it daily fighting for mastery over my own thoughts.

In my reading challenge I am reading a non-fiction book by trainer Jillian Michaels. In it she mentions people that love to hear things like "no" or "you can't" because it drives them to prove the naysayers wrong. Because I cannot shut out the voice in my head I am doing everything in my power to change the way I approach it and be like those Jillian describes. I want to prove the voice wrong. I need to demonstrate that I can accomplish things that seem too ambitious or unrealistic. As long as I put my everything into it I have nothing to apologize for. I still hear the doubt every time I begin working towards my goals but I am hoping that as I check things off my list I can continue to quiet the voice.

Trying To Make A Plan

With the impending release of my novella Survivor in October I have busy planning a large scale event that will simultaneously launch not only my book but also two others that follow the same theme of domestic violence awareness along with fundraising for a local charity in Las Vegas. As the person that developed the idea, along with some wonderful friends that will be doing an online event to partner with me and of course being the author of Survivor I am the contact person and spearhead of this entire endeavor.

I love planning events but this is by far the largest one I have ever attempted. There is a major difference between doing a book signing where you simply bring some table decorations a several copies of your work and putting on a two to three hour production that is open to the public and benefits a well known and beloved organization. I have so many ideas but I am at the point where I have to be realistic and make choices. One of the largest I am struggling with is where to hold it. I have been in talks with the hotel and casino that I work for at my day job and it is likely they will agree to donate a room for me to put on the event.

That would be a great location for the ability to promote as well as build a working relationship for future events. The pros are numerous. I would have the space to do activities I want like possibly have a local band perform as entertainment or the self defense demonstrations put on by instructors from the gym chain that is located all over town. The foot traffic would be much stronger being located on the world famous Las Vegas Strip as well which would of course draw people in for the event. The only true con I see is that it is purely a blank slate.

That is a blessing and a curse. With the open plan I can do almost anything I can imagine however I am a part time dealer and beginning indie author so my investment is minimal to say the least. Everything that is going into this event is strictly donation and volunteer powered. The more open space to fill the more donations and voluntary action I will need. If a band performs I will need that to not only provide themselves and their instruments but also their equipment. Any refreshments will need to be donated as well as anyone that works a food or beverage station. I see all of this and understand the overwhelming amount of work that this would put on me and the event I want to produce however I also know what a triumph it would be to pull off that kind of affair.

I also have the option to hold it in closer quarters at a local bakery and sweets shop. It is already decorated along with having a built in coffee bar and kitchen that would make refreshments much easier. The intimate nature is great for book signings and the tables inside are present for the informational booths I had envisioned. The problems though are that none of the entertainment I would like can fit plus the amount of attendees would drop significantly because of capacity and location in proximity to the Strip. The choice seems obvious but I am just concerned about my ability to fill all the needs of the larger location.

I never considered myself a control freak but I am seeing how I could be seen that way as I attempt to shoulder the entirety of this event on my own. It is not that I do not trust anyone to help me so much as I am so undecided that until I have a clear plan it would be impossible for me to delegate. Once I have a set location and time I can begin to ask others for their assistance. I am just hoping that everyone that is volunteering right now will still be there when I am actually ready for them to jump in.

Learning To Make Contact

A few days ago I was talking to a friend of mine about being a writer. He is an aspiring writer like myself. Even though I have published a book I still call myself aspiring because I am so new to the process, I am an indie author with one charity book and one novel and because while it is probably outdated as a theory I still think of traditionally published authors differently than self published authors. The only reason I still feel that way is that I look at my first book and while it is fine for a debut novel I can easily see why it was rejected by traditional publishing houses. It wasn't good enough yet I was able to work with an indie publisher and get it published anyway.

Through the process I learned so many things that I wouldn't trade for the world but it simply opened my eyes to the level of work I have yet to achieve. I am not sure I am there yet though I am doing best to keep climbing. It is just a matter of practice and dedication for the most part. Getting to the point that I can sit down and write when I need to also took practice. When I first started I could be distracted by almost anything. I would use the excuse that I had to be in the right mood or that I was lacking inspiration. I struggled so much. I would write a small part of a scene, or the entire one if I was lucky but then I would have no idea where to go from there.

That is what my friend was telling me. He said that he feels like if he could just go off to a cabin in the middle of nowhere for a month with no distractions then he would be able to finish his book. I explained that I remember feeling that way and had tried it once. I wasn't gone for an entire month but I did lock myself away for nearly a week to dedicate myself just to writing. the problem I found was that the lack of distractions became a distraction on its own. It drove me crazy. I still tried but I wrote very little. In the end instead of creating my own work of art I sat back and read a few works by other artists instead.

It wasn't until a number of years ago when I set my mind to doing Nanowrimo that I discovered how to push past all the excuses and take control of my book. I finally had the moment that all new writers should be looking for, the time when the characters start talking and you can finally hear them. They take control telling the story they are meant to share. As the author all we have to do is sit back and let the words flow from their mouths through our fingers and onto the pages. We are a medium not necessarily the creators we all like to think we are. In time I learned to open up to the characters, to recognize the inspiration that was coming through from a character not yet spoken to. It is by allowing them to reach out to me then having an open mind to receive whatever message they have to share that my stories are born.

I tried to explain all of this to him but he has not had that moment. Until it happens it is difficult to imagine. I was talking about how a character had taken hold of me in order to tell me the entire layout of a story one time even using her name in the explanation when my friends looked at me as though I had lost my mind. To them I probably sounded like someone that should have been committed but for those that write it makes sense. We are a little off but in a good way. Writers a form of medium that can communicate with those that yesterday didn't exist and tomorrow could be a household name. We make contact and share what they have to say with the world. It isn't a bad way to spend the day.

Making Our Own Stage

We in our current society as a whole seem to be obsessed with reality television. I will admit that there are a number of the reality competitions such as Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef that I enjoy. I did at one point watch Dancing With The Stars and once I checked out a season of So You Think You Can Dance. The one that I was watching tonight though got me thinking. I put on an episode of America's Got Talent observing the performers as they attempted to wow the judges with talents both spectacular and questionable. 

As I listened to singer after singer, watched dancers and daredevils it struck me that while some of the true talents such as singing are an ability that they were most likely born with, many of them are practiced or learned like the strength acts or the variety shows. They are fun to watch but it made me think what about the more artistic talents? Occasionally I have seen spray paint artists on the show or once there was a man that created designs in sand but what about the paint and brush painters? Where are the graphic designers or the poets? Why are writers not standing on that stage with an audience riveted by the words they have written?

We are talents in our own right and it is difficult to know that we are not recognized with the same respect as a man that smashes watermelons with his head to break a world record. Not everyone out there has the ability to weave an intriguing story nor take you on a journey with nothing but the written word to guide you. While there are a number of us writers and artists it is far more difficult to find someone that can look at a blank canvas and then take the simple brush combined with colorful paints using them to produce a work that just mere hours before didn't even exist. 

Our talents live in our heads. We do not train in the gym. We aren't measuring the size of our muscles. Our stage presence rarely if ever crosses our mind. We are the creators of the previously nonexistent. Our designs make something out of nothing while transporting our audiences to places they never knew they could go. It makes me sad to know that we do not have a stage and auditorium full of screaming fans like other talents but it just makes it that much more satisfying when we are finally recognized for what we do.

When Is Dark Too Dark?

This past weekend I had a conversation with one of my beta readers about my most recent book Breathe. She told me she loved it but she hadn't been expecting the ending. which led to a discussion about the majority of my stories having at least somewhat happy endings. I suppose because it is the type of book I generally read it would be natural that I would opt to write books like that as well. I do have several stories that have much darker endings but I find I am scared to finish them or share the ones that are complete. 

It is such a different side to my writing that it feels out of place for me. I have attempted to read more outside my usual genres which I believe is contributing to my branching out in writing as well. While I am significantly behind I trust that that reading challenge I took on earlier this year is broadening my horizons with each and every page read. I am pushing hard to complete two additional stories as well as planning my next Nano novel. While the so-called "happy ending" can be seen in a way for both the current stories there is so much darkness that it seems more like the wrapping up of evil as opposed to happiness sunshine and flowers. 

Exposing the darker side of my imagination as well as tapping into the depths of my past can be surprisingly therapeutic yet wildly uncomfortable so I struggle with writing any of these stories. Horror may be a genre I enjoy reading along with thrillers and suspense but it never occurred to be to try writing any of them until I was hit with two very specific ideas for suspense thrillers, one of which will be my nano novel this November. The two based in part on my past of emotionally dark looking into an area of the conscious as well as subconscious that I have worked very hard for years to escape but now I find myself not only facing them but putting a spotlight on them.

My dreams tend to be a huge part of my inspiration. I have nightmares about the things I went through but they become part of what makes characters like Jasmine and Rachel more real. I travel paths of love, adventure and revenge which lead to books like Breathe, Welcome to Syn and Annora. Sometimes though I have found that these dreams must be analyzed and put through a filter before being committed to the files of the "To Be Written". For example I had a dream last night that disturbed me to my very core and while I think the storyline was captivating, the imagery was intense and the suspense of the characters was intriguing it was so dark I would never be able to let it out into the light of day. Annora is one that walks the line but I believe even with the tragedy of life that befalls numerous characters it is still acceptable. It got me wondering though, what level of darkness in a book is too dark?

Determination and Creativity

Back when I was in high school the nation's attention was captured by one of the worst school shooting ever to happen, Columbine. Like so many other students across the country my school was effected doing everything we could to make sense of the tragedy as well as find some way to reach out and let the victims know our hearts were with them. My wonderful Japanese instructor came up with an idea. She told us the legend of Sudako and the Thousand Paper Cranes.

According to the legend if you make one thousand origami cranes and make a wish then the wish will come true. Shortly after the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima Sudako became very ill. Radiation poisoning was taking her young life so she decided to make the cranes to wish for a cure. Sadly Sudako died before she was able to make even four hundred of the cranes. Her devastated classmates finished the task for her and created a memorial to her. 

The story about making the cranes and being granted a wish may be just legend but Sudako was real and so is her memorial. My school created the thousand paper cranes three times over sending a video along with the story and one thousand of the cranes to Columbine as a symbol that we were with them. The second thousand were hung in my school in Michigan as a reminder. We spoke with the local news about what we were doing and why giving more people a chance to step up and help us as we produced the cranes. 

The final thousand travelled that summer to Japan as part of a school trip I was fortunate enough to be a part of. I stood by as my teacher, or sensei as we called her, placed the cranes among the piles from around the world brought by those wishing to pay their respects. It was an awe inspiring moment in my life and has gone on to lead me to do more along the same lines. Such as take the understanding from a friend that started a book series that donated money to charity. Her books were about the healing power of music but it made me think that I could do the same thing for animals.

I work part time and therefore live paycheck to paycheck but I wanted to show that with determination and creativity we can all make a difference. Just like taking the time to make the cranes to let the students of Columbine know they were in our hearts and minds I am now working to create an event that would benefit a wonderful organization here in Vegas. I do not have the money to book a ballroom or the funds for a gourmet feast but I am going to find donations and volunteers to prove that we can do anything we put our minds to as long as we are willing to think outside the box. 

In The News

As with most writers I know, I get inspiration from a number of sources. Whether it is a snippet of conversation passing by me or an outfit I never have seen before, there are thousands of things that happen around me daily with several of them working their way into my mental files to be used at some point. It has always been a part of my process to put these things in the files pulling them out when I needed an injection of inspiration.

What about things we cannot escape from though and do not want to be a part of our mental resources? What about the violence that reigns on the evening news or the catastrophic information spewed at us by the media? For most of my life I have managed to allow the information to enter my brain only as far as a passing "Oh that was interesting" or a sadly realized "How terrible I should find a way to help if I can". Last night however I realized just how much it can effect me.

Even though dreams are often more theory that actuality it is amazing how accurate they can be to their true meaning. Often times when we dream what we see is just a representation of our fears an desires. But what happens when it isn't just representative? What if the fear from the dream is caused by something you are genuinely afraid of?

Right now there are two major stories happening in the news. Two convicted killers escaped from prison and are on the loose in New York with a massive manhunt on to catch them. There was also a shooting in a church bible study in South Carolina taking the lives of nine people in a cold and calculated attack of hatred. Both terrible happenings and with hem being talked about day in and day out it is impossible to escape.

Last night as I lay exhausted searching for sleep my mind found this information sitting in the back corner of my brain and showed me in vivid color and detail how afraid of these stories and the men that are being talked about I truly am. I dreamt that I was a victim of a random act of violence put forth by a man that awoke one morning, went on a shooting rampage then was able to shoot me before police finally caught him. It was so real from the fear to the burning pain of the bullets ripping through my skin that When I woke in a puddle of cold sweat the first thing I did was check the spots I had been shot.

From this heart racing emotional nightmare though came my first poem in over a year. I have calmed down quite a bit now but I wrote this post as well as the poem in order to share my feelings in the subject. I am happy I have this outlet for sharing my emotions and makes me believe further that if more people had access to such outlets much of the experienced violence could be avoided.