Love In Fiction And Reality

I was thinking recently about relationships and the differences between real life and the fictional stories we write. One thing struck me right away. The length of time for recovery and emotional depth is significantly less in our books. That is not to say that we should take so  long to end the attachment between our characters that it overshadows the story but I have read several books where the feelings simply seem to end.

In life we go through the stages of grief when dealing with a break up. So many times when we write them we skip a step or two however. It could be that the characters will eventually work it out and so we keep the separation from getting too bitter. I have noticed though that many times it appears more to be a simple decision. It is like the characters flip an emotional switch and move on as though the relationship is simply a footnote.

I understand that there are a number of characters that are filler or bit parts made to be gotten rid of in order to further the story. Their purpose is to be a plot point killed off either physically or emotionally when they are no longer needed. Perhaps because I write realistic fiction or possibly because I am an emotional train wreck myself much of the time I feel that this light switch method of handling a break up is completely unsatisfying.

I have noticed that my relationships tend to be more detailed than other aspects of my stories and that is something I need to work on. It is not that I want to reduce the relationship but simply improve the rest. For me having relatable characters is extremely important and I want my readers to laugh, cry and fall for the people I create. So why do we do this? Why do we either over focus on the interactions or gloss over them entirely?

I came to a conclusion the other day as I was discussing a problematic relationship I have become far too knowledgable about. In reality our head makes a choice to move on. We know it is best to separate and look for someone better suited to our needs and that will appreciate us for who we are. Yet at the same time our heart holds on to the good times, the sweet tenderness that we fell for in the first place. The heart reminds us of the friends and family members we are walking away from. It conjures images of things we experienced together and tells us we may never have these times again. It wages war on the logic of our minds.

When we write the story however we can see the big picture. We know what will work out and what won't. We take our characters on journeys that can be filled with ear to ear smiles or totally gut wrenching. We promise them that we will make it up to them when we break their hearts and they put their lives, quite literally, in our hands. Because we already know where we are going to the storyline we don't have to linger over the "What Nows" and "Why Me's". We knew what was going to happen when these two characters met. That emotional switch we are unable to flip in real life is easy to turn off in our writing.

In order to demonstrate at least some reality in our fictional relationships we should include some of the pain that we experience and make sure our readers know that the end did cause some grief for these fictional stars of our imaginary worlds. We owe them the time to grieve, though the condensed version is good for a book. I just try to make sure I capture the truth of how painful a break up can be even if it is in fast forward.

Sharing Personally

When we as writers create our stories and the characters that inhabit them we usually will put a piece of ourselves on the page. Whether it is our point of view, our beliefs or even something from our own lives, we are there. We leave ourselves raw and vulnerable exposing moments happy and sad for the world to see.

But when you share something that is true how far do you go? I know we do the whole "names have been changed to protect innocent" thing, but what else? Do you give details about the actual event. Do you describe the emotions that ran through your body or gloss over it? Do you share only true happy moments or are you comfortable divulging the tragedies as well?

I am a rather forthcoming person for the most part. I share things many would believe to be inappropriate or unnecessary. It has been shared on Facebook as well as here on my blog that I was diagnosed with PTSD a decade ago. I actually got it several years earlier but that is when I was first informed of it. I survived a very traumatic and abusive relationship in my teens and now I am taking part in an author event against domestic violence.

I had planned to write an entirely fictional story but a character jumped up and demanded to tell her story, my story, instead. The short story is called Survivor and it is the account of what I went through. I have changed the names as well as altered a few other parts but for the most part it is exactly what happened. Is it too far to share something so personal? Will it make others regard me differently or think less of me for broadcasting my past?

How honest is too honest as a writer? We share things overtime we put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard but they are generally tiny aspects of ourselves and can be easily looked past or go unnoticed entirely. I made the decision ultimately to share my story in hopes that someone in a similar position may see that I made it and know they are not alone, that they can make it out as well. I just hope it reaches those that could use it and will not simply turn people away for its honesty.

Excerpt From An Upcoming Untitled Project

"Have you ever been in love?" She asked looking across the room at the irritatingly calm therapist.

"I believe I have, yes."

"I don't mean just saying I love you. I mean looking into the other person's eyes and see your own soul reflecting back at you. The kind of love that changes you and the way you see the world."

"Honestly I am not sure I have ever been in love like that no."

"I have." She said simply. There was no response. Like a well trained listener he sat there stoic, waiting for her to continue. Eventually she did. "I had a love like that but I screwed it up."

Dr. James scribbled something on his secret little notepad. Aaricka hated that leather-bound holder of judgement. People came here to pour their hearts and souls out only to have everything locked neatly away in that cowhide diary. He looked up at  her when she didn't continue right away. "Is that what you would like to discuss? Your previous love?"

"When you lose someone like that you know you are never going to get them back. You will never find a love like that for a second time. Sure it is possible to find contentment. You will smile, be productive, one could even call you happy at times but deep in your heart you know that the one person your heart belonged to has come and gone forever."

"It can be difficult to move forward but it is a necessary part of life."

"But what happens when you are granted a second chance? When the powers that be look down on you and grant your heart's one true wish of finding that love again. When you meet someone that makes your heart ache with just one touch, the world disappears when they touch you. What do you do when that person shatters the ice you have built around your soul with just one simple kiss and then you step back and objectively look at the situation and it kills you to see that the fates have played a cruel trick on you because whether it is you or them one of you is taken and you cannot have the person that finally makes you feel complete again?"

"I know you are concerned because you have been trying to make things work with your ex. You have your son to consider Aaricka and you must choose if you are going to pursue things with his father or try to make things work with the man you met."He smiled. She stared daggers back. She already knew that she had to make a choice but obviously considering where she was it wasn't a choice she could make easily or completely on her own. "Think of the poet Robert Frost who said Two roads diverged in the woods and I took the one less traveled by."

"No offense to Robert Frost but honestly that is the nest you can come up with? Besides which path is the one less traveled by? Is it the one that leads me back to a man I couldn't make it work with before but now we are trying again for the sake of a son I am not always sure he even wants? Do I stay with him because it is the known path and I can be prepared for what to expect? Should I stay because I have a family with him and my ex in-laws making it possible to rebuild something there? Or do I go the other way and take the man that makes this hollow shell I have become and makes me feel alive again? Should I jump into a relationship knowing it will tear my family apart and join with a man that may have to sacrifice his friends and family to make it work with me because they do not approve? And what of my son then? What if this new man isn't ready to be a father or my son hates him? Either way I have to watch the heart of someone I care about break in front of me and know I was the cause of the pain. So you tell me Dr. James which path should I follow into the woods?"

Now they were finally getting to the root of her frustration and touching upon what led her here in the first place. He smiled knowing that they would be making real strides soon. "I apologize Aaricka but it looks like our time is up."

Character Possession

How much of ourselves do we put into our characters? Perhaps a better question is how much should be put in and are we capable of limiting it when needed? Our characters obviously have pieces of us, the writers, inside them. We did create them after all. But do they not all have their own personalities? Don't they have views and opinions that differ from one another?

If that is the case then they can only be partially us. But once you have removed your own personality, at least in part, from the character how do you inject the rest? What do you do when a character has a point of view that is different from your own? Or worse what if they support something you desperately oppose in your own life? Do you kill them off making them the villain of the piece in order to preserve your perspective or do you allow these contrary views to win out because it is simply a piece of fiction?

How do you write a personality traits that do not fit your behavior? I have characters in one of my current stories that are all different in the way they behave, what they believe and even the situations that led them to where they all are now. I can relate to some of them but I find other members of the book baffling. I have had to research a few of their issues. I have talked to people battling their ailments but it is the internal parts they deal with I find the most fascinating.

My characters become truly real to me and I feel what they feel. It is in a small way like being possessed by them. I know their thoughts I can see the entire story play out like a movie in my head while my own soul is moved from character to character. I experience them, their life and loss I become them. I have found that when I am truly open I can almost feel what they feel even when it is not something I have experienced.

While I know it is not actually possible that I have memories of things I have never experienced nor can I feel things on behalf of another that I have never had, I do feel as though these characters live within me. I am them and they in turn help me see as they do. The question is am I putting myself into them or allowing them to alter me when the time comes?

The Sad Romance

I was thinking recently about the way performers use method acting when getting into character or trying to create an emotion in a scene. They reach back in their memories in order to locate a time when those feelings were fresh then focusing they bring them forth once again. As writers I believe we often do the same thing. We look back in our mental files remembering a time when something happened or we felt a certain way then use that to portray what our characters are experiencing.

The only thing I have noticed recently is that pulling up a previous emotion is useful unless you are currently experiencing the opposite feelings. For instance if you are trying to write a love scene for a romance novel but you are going through a break up or large fight with your significant other it can be next to impossible to remember what it felt like to be happy. 

Yet when we are happy in our relationships we are still able to think back in order to find some past pain and draw from that for a more serious topic in our books. Why is it that we can bring forth sorrow, pain and suffering with such greater ease than we can happiness and cheer? I know this does not apply to everyone but for me it is a major struggle. It is one of the reasons I write far more drama and serious novels then lighthearted romance books because I can more freely access the feelings of pain and loss than those of being content in my relationships.

I know part of that is because I have had some rather traumatic relationships, though I know a number of people that have as well, but I have also experienced something most people have not, friendly divorces. Yes I am divorced, twice in fact. Both times the relationships were not ideal. Obviously or they would not have ended but at the same time they both ended rather friendly for being the dissolution of marriages. I know we were happy at the beginning but for some reason it seems more difficult to remember those times.

I remember the loss when they were gone, even though ultimately it was better, it was still a loss. Now as I work on writing and revising one of my romance novels, Breathe, I find that I am still afflicted by loss and sorrow. I have a wonderful boyfriend but I can still remember when I lost others. I have a great life but I can still feel the effects of the sleepless nights. Why is it so difficult to move beyond the sorrow, the grief, in order to find the cheer in life? What do you all do to find the love for romance when your heart still sings for those that are gone?

Cover Art Debate

As I work on editing and revising Breathe and Survivor I am looking ahead at the publishing paths I want to take for each of them. For Breathe I am intending to submit to traditional publishing houses and agents in hopes of landing a contract through one of them while I will be maintaining my indie status by self publishing Survivor.

One of the most difficult things I am finding for survivor however as I start the editing process is that I cannot picture the cover in my mind. I have always had the idea for my first novel in my head and while it changed as we prepared for publishing a year ago it stayed with the theme I had always planned. Now however I find myself completely at a loss for a story that is extremely personal to me.

Survivor is a short story about fighting back against domestic violence. It follows the physical, and even more so the emotional abuse suffered by a teenage girl dedicated to a man that sees her as nothing more than an accessory to his narcissism. It is the background story for one of the characters in my full length novel Sharing Strength that continues to see Jasmine fight with the effects of what she has gone through. Most important of all from my perspective s that it is all the story of what happened to me and was the initial cause of my Post Traumatic Stress diagnosis.

Names have been changed. Locations are fictional but the story is at least ninety percent true and that makes it both imperative as well as impossible for me to write. the first draft was completed back around thanksgiving and within a week I found myself in the hospital having a severe emotional breakdown. The anxiety does not go away but it can be dealt with and by sharing my past I hope to let others know they are not alone and that they can fight back as well.

This brings me to a question I have been wrestling with when it comes to the cover, is it self absorbed to be the person on the cover? I have been a cover model for books written by fellow authors before I became a published author myself. I have experience in front of the camera and it is my own story so would it be completely out of the question to be the model for this project? Or does that come across as untrusting of someone else to portray Jasmine and make me look selfish?

I do not possess the artistic eye of a photographer nor the imagination of an artist. I do not conceptualize visual art well. I have always been better with the written word. In this case I am completely torn. I can go out and look for inspiration and I can easily, though emotionally portray a girl that is essentially myself but I do not want to take away from the story just because I chose to use my own picture for the cover.

Comparing The Genders

I had a conversation earlier today with a good friend of mine about the difference between men and women and the way we react to situations. He had been having a discussion with another girl about chivalry and how if a man does not step up to do something then he may have failed to be chivalrous but if a woman calls him out on it then she has failed to be a lady in that situation. I gave my input that her failure would depend on context, I stated that I believed if the woman simply observed the lacking behavior without insulting the man then she could still be considered a lady.

He attempted to call her but the message he left was completely misconstrued and it caused an argument. This led to our conversation about the logical vs emotion responses of the genders. I could not agree more that women are more emotional while men are more logical. I will not say that I think one is better than the other. I can see times where emotion would be the more appropriate way to handle something while I can easily say that logic definitely has its place as well. For the most part it is simply a different way of addressing concerns, no better no worse.

As I was talking to him about this it got me wondering if these different ways of thinking effect the way each gender writes. I have a number of writer friends both male and female and while I enjoy reading their work I have noticed a common theme of the perspective matching the author. I myself write generally from the female perspective simply because it is easier for me. However for my current work in progress Sharing Strength there are a number of times I need to describe not only what the characters are doing but also what they are feeling and how they are dealing with the very difficult situations surrounding them.

There are six main characters and four of them are men. I need to describe them, show their trials, tribulations and triumphs and be as accurately as possible but after this discussion I had I wonder if I will be able to show them in a true male view as opposed to injecting my more emotional female perspective. Because the book is told in third person and jumps points of view from character to character this is a definite must.

I may need to at least make sure that I get both male and female beta readers to go over the manuscript once the project is finished. What other gender concerns have you noticed when comparing the sexes? When it comes to writing can one gender truly capture the other with honesty and objection?