While working on finishing the rewrite on Survivor, my book that is dedicated to those like myself that struggled through an abusive relationship and is also the main reason behind the large scale event I am planning in October, I am also engaged in several other activities. A big one is of course the planning of the event itself but I am also pushing through the high intensity Insanity workout program to keep my mind and body focused and in shape as much as possible. I go to my day job three to four days per week and I am trying to complete a fifty book reading challenge by the end of the year.
For the sake of exercising it is going relatively well. I may miss a day or two here and there from illness or being out of town but push myself as hard as I can and make sure if I miss a day I get right back to it. I also incorporate swimming or yoga at the gym in when I am feel particularly stressed out. The ability of cardio and strength training to resolve anxiety while relaxing the body and giving a sense of accomplishment is a welcome change from the emotions that drove me there in the first place. Because Survivor is such an emotional journey and so difficult to write I imagine I will be spending quite a bit of time there for the next few months.
The struggle is that it is difficult. I have to not only share a story that is extremely painful for me but it takes me back to the moments I escaped, to the situations I buried and to the man that caused them all with every word written. Who he was and what he did to me controlled my life for years and I am fighting to make sure that never happens again. I still hear the voice in my head telling me I am not good enough. It swears I never will accomplish the things I set out to do and am not worthy of feeling good about what I have done. It tries to overwhelm my ambition and sabotage and chances I have for success.
My friends and family tell me that because it was half my life ago that I have carried the voice with me for too long and I need to let it go but for those that have never dealt with that level of manipulation and control by another especially at a critical time in their lives like the developmental teenage years, they cannot possibly understand the depth to which it lives inside. It is not a switch that can easily be turned on and off. It is an entity within me that speaks to me as clearly as anyone in the real world. I battle it daily fighting for mastery over my own thoughts.
In my reading challenge I am reading a non-fiction book by trainer Jillian Michaels. In it she mentions people that love to hear things like "no" or "you can't" because it drives them to prove the naysayers wrong. Because I cannot shut out the voice in my head I am doing everything in my power to change the way I approach it and be like those Jillian describes. I want to prove the voice wrong. I need to demonstrate that I can accomplish things that seem too ambitious or unrealistic. As long as I put my everything into it I have nothing to apologize for. I still hear the doubt every time I begin working towards my goals but I am hoping that as I check things off my list I can continue to quiet the voice.